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(JD) · Oct 09, 2011, 12:18 PM

God has not been "silent" even though I don't sense Him as I had in the distant past. No, He gives small evidences (and some biggie too ) quite often... but they are not so much leading me to where I should be or things I need to be doing as they are just acknowledgements that He knows where I am.

O. K.

And that's it?

I try to assure myself in various ways, especially recalling that I did so much ministry in the previous "25 years" (not quite) of life that I get to rest now. However, I'm reminded not to dwell in the past for any reasons...

I don't understand how those who are aged care to continue living. This was deeply difficult for me in encouraging my own mother the last few years of her life. If she wasn't living to "see" the rapture, then why stick around (I never voiced this, as she loved life more than I did anyway.) She would often ask me, with regards to the my progressive disability in physical elements, "What are you going to do when you're my age?" and I would answer I'm not living that long. Hmmm I stopped staying and thinking that, knowing I was programming my brain and body to that respect.

I recall visiting countless shut ins who couldn't attend church, weekly visits and always wondering how they had such sweet spirits (generally, but then how many were real, you know? I mean doesn't everyone put on a show for the minister etc) and in spite of their plights, pushing onward to gain even one more day on the earth. I was young then. I am not now and cannot possibly connect with any joy of living. Where is this joy of the Lord? Deep inside I am I guess, regarding my salvation and knowing where I will be when I die, and I would not trade that for anything. Not never ever for anything.

But enough to remain caught up in this thing which is my life? That's another story.

Sigh.

I have enough Cherokee in me to know that once I really set my mind, heart, soul, spirit to it that I could just go sit somewhere and stop living and change energy and go to be with God. How nice that would be rather than the trials and tribulations of life and the heartaches of things that "should" be (yes, I said it).

I suppose these are the times that I am to sit humbly by and give. I need to be content with that perhaps? Content. Aye there's the rub.