Hi, first I would like to say that nothing about to be said is in the romantic or sexual sense, it's really just in general.

Lately I have been feeling very down over two different things involving relationships. I find this somewhat odd because they have never bothered me before. Given that I don't know too much about relationships, I am posting here hoping for some general input.

First, that I have, and never really had a "core group" of friends. I never really seem to fit in with groups, they always seem already established and it seems almost impossible to break in. I have tried, but consistently my status is that I am a "cool" person, yet always on the outside. Then something happens or developes and I just feel plain alienated. Lately this has just made me feel bad, like a misfit I guess.

Second, I DO have friends... yet... it feels like they always have higher ranking friends that take priority over myself. Now I understand that if you have known someone for several years obviously you have a more in depth relationship and perhaps obligation to them. I understand this, yet I feel bad when people I know just ditch me for their "higher ranking" friends, or when I have just done a lot for someone to hear them just talk about their other friends... I don't really understand, it never bothered me before.

Another part of the whole friends thing, a lot of the people I call my friends, they usually come to me when they need advice or a shoulder to cry on. I am not bothered by this at all, in fact I feel honored. Yet, it seems like that's the only time they approach me, when they need someone to vent to, when they want to feel loved, when something bad has happened. After that time has passed, they seem to go back to their "higher ranking" friends. Lately this has just made me feel bad, like cheap, I guess. It makes me question the nature of my relationships. It makes me think that how they think/talk about our relationship is simply token. To be fair I have a very untrusting fearful nature, not sure how that plays into it.

A part I was confused about was, what do I WANT from people? After some deep thinking, I truly believe I just want people to like and respect me on the same level I like and respect them. I would like close friends I can share with and in turn have them feel they can share with me, ect.

Another thing, not trying to be dramatic or anything, but most, if not all things or people I have ever put effort into don't work out. Things are destroyed, people reject, betray, abandon or leave. Because of that I guess I worry about relationships, seeing as I haven't really had any that last over a year, maybe two that have lasted over 3 years, and last night one of them told me he didn't even know why he still talks to me.

But it's true, everything in life has always come out broken, sometimes it makes me feel like I should just give up. I know that's stupid thinking but sometimes it's how I feel.

Anyway, thanks to anyone who reads this, I didn't mean to be dramatic or overly whiny, any thoughts or input is appreciated.