I don't know if it's triggering to write about holding hands and Mommy/baby stuff, but just in case I wanted to put the warning on this thread.

I started thinking about why I felt satisfied in my session last week. It bothered me when my T said the words "in my private life" but I didn't say anything until later in the session when I realized I'd have a problem when I left if I didn't tell her. So, she was curious about how I was feeling right then. I told her I didn't want her to have a private life; I wanted to "bang the door in". I asked if she could hold my hand and she did, just for a short time. It was almost the end of the session.

Today it just came to me that the door represents a barrier between my T and me. I was wondering if my parents put up barriers or kept me out of things, but nothing comes to mind about that. What came to me is the baby stuff, that I want to be as close as I can to my T. I can picture an angry child breaking down the door to get close, though in RL I never wanted to get close to people. Or maybe I wanted to, but I couldn't. But with my T, I want to get close to her like a Mommy and baby. I think holding hands satisfies me because it's "skin to skin" with no barrier. Hand to hand, skin to skin, like babies are with their Mommies. I don't like hugging her as much, because it's not totally touching skin to skin.

I feel like what I wrote fits. I never expected to like holding an adult woman's hand so much so it's kind of weird. If anyone would ask what is the most healing part of this therapy it would be holding my T's hand. My friend held my hand recently and it felt good also. It doesn't feel the same when my H does it. It's not sexual; it just has to be a woman, or someone nurturing maybe.