Im SO tired of being responsible. I'm so sick of staying put and pushing through. I just want to run away, get in the car and drive and never look back. I want to spend the rest of my days laying on the beach, wasted out of my mind. When i run outta money i'll just off myself. That has been my fantasy for weeks. Instead i go to work, go to meetings, and do what i'm supposed to do. But everyday has been a struggle lately and i can't foresee any changes. So i've decided that come january i'm going to bid a different shift at work. One that interfers with my meetings, and i assume eventually people will just forget me, and i'll be able to slowly see myself out. i'm just so not cut out for the life that is expected from me in AA. i honestly feel so trapped just considering it. im terrified and i look at the other people seemingly handling their lives just fine. I can't do that. Every little thing is so friggin difficult for me and i'm so tired of trying so hard just to be hurt, or fail or whatever. when can i just do the one thing that always helped me? i'm still young, even if i am an alcoholic, i got at least 10 more good drinking years left i think. i've been fighting myself a lot the last month, each time i start fighting this way i drink. I know that. It's probably only a matter of time. i'm rationalizing too much, im too hurt, im too whatever. i know where this leads but i can't stop. i don't know if i want to stop. i don't know.