(((((((((TRIGGER for TERMINATION))))))))))

It has been almost FOUR weeks, since I terminated with T. He is a man I admire and respect. It is very difficult for me to even process what happened and WHY? But also, where to go from here?

I have been with this T for two years. He has helped me immensely resolve many residual issues left from Terminating T #1 who terminated me FOUR years ago without due cause.

The week before *I* terminated, had been extremely stressful for me. We had met for my regular session and in the last few minutes I found the courage to share I was having some medical tests the following day, which I learned of the day before.

Next day, I sent an email sharing my fear with T. (He was the only one that knew at the time). I sent a second email sharing results.

The following day, a conversation with a friend left me so triggered I left a message on his voicemail crying. An email later that Friday night sharing feelings of shame and fear. T didn't respond to my voicemail message or emails.

In all fairness, T and I had an agreement. I could email as often as I wished, T would respond when able. Over a two year period, I never abused the privilege and emailed occasionally, no more than once per week. T always responded promptly until July. I began noticing T not responding to ANY emails. I asked him about it one session, and he said it was just coincidence.

The following Monday late afternoon, I sent an email forewarning him of a sudden desire to leave therapy and my wish to discuss it with him IN PERSON. I said I wanted to honor the work we had done together and discuss the recent events.

He responded.

Early in therapy, I made a promise. NOT to walk away, but reach out, whenever I felt the desire to leave. Throughout my therapy, anytime there was a rupture.... I kept my promise. This was no different although THIS did not feel like a rupture.

When T and I met for session, I asked him to begin. He said he wanted to talk about double messages and HIS agitation over my emails. I asked him to explain a double message, so he did. I had always told him that email was a way for me give him something which was too much for me at the time, to "hold" until the next session. Most often, it was really BIG feelings. A few times, it was a triggered incident. In all cases, I never expected a response. This time, I did. Without hesitation, I felt I owed him an apology. So, I offered one. I agreed how confusing it must be when a client sends a mixed message and I asked him, as T, to try and understand if it's confusing him, how it's confusing me. I think I said if I was perfect, I wouldn't NEED T and we both laughed. It was so heartfelt and easy for me.

YET.

T's countertransference scared me. In truth, I think T was agitated with himself, not me. He had shared in his earlier email, he had gone out of town and was not available from my appointment time until Monday morning. The problem was there was no Plan B. T was aggravated that I didn't call his office to schedule an appointment with another T, but he wasn't thinking clearly. WHY, would I do that? I didn't even know he was gone! I tried to explain I don't even know his work schedule and whether, or not, he works on Friday. There was nothing on his message to indicate he was unavailable. I told T he was making me feel guilty. BAD.

T tried to bring me back saying I had nothing to feel guilty about. I was not bad. But, I wasn't there. Not really.

And then, to complicate matters....T's OWN double bind messages.

Reach out to me, it's ok...But, I may get agitated.

You can have any appointment you want during my normal therapy hours....But, there is a waiting list.

Your emails will remain private....But, I may share with my admin staff. (Later, after it was discovered he had sent my email to a staff member)

This will be a safe place....But, you may see others you know in the waiting area and there is nothing I can do about that. Sorry.

It was easy to overlook all of those things before. NOT now.

I am different.

Once I shared PC with T. I made a request. Could T be just a little more like some of the T's I read about here or in the book, The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom? I shared examples with him from PC.
T said he couldn't be that T for me and explained why he felt it would be more difficult. I took his word and chose to stay.

My last day with T was filled with MANY, MANY, MANY tears. As I got up to leave, T reached out and touched my shoulder.

I. COULDN'T. DO. IT.

I spent much of my therapy asking him to be "that" T....and for the moment he was, I was numb.

Now what?