Sorry so long.... I hope I am not writing too fast.

Secretum, no apologies necessary. But I'm not sure whose profile you read b/c I didn't specifically create one and I am not self-identifying as bp yet. The reason for this is that a psychologist during my one and only visit suggested it as a "theory" as to why I have been experiencing chronic pain. He stated he thought the pain might stem from mania. Since this session w/ him I have been researching bp disorder and am pretty frustrated.

I took several self assessments online, and scored on the lowest end of the scale (little to no chance of being bp), but posters on another board were quick to remind me that this means very little, that I could indeed have full-blown bp and still score low on such tests.

Since bp is so difficult to diagnose, and there are so many potential symptoms, the whole diagnostic process appears quite subjective. For this reason, I could be told by an internationally respected, board certified doctor renown in the field of mood disorders that I am not bp and I would still have doubts. The toothpaste is out of the tube, I guess, and there's no putting it back.

I am going through a lot right now with pain that shoots up from neck into my face directly related to a dangerously loud noise exposure, and I have always suffered from a moderate case of OCD and to a lesser degree (esp. lately, b/c of the pain) anxiety. Now I must try to find a decent doctor and make an appointment (where I am from, even with great health insurance, appt. times are into December I found out today) as I attempt to ascertain whether or not I am bipolar on top of my other appts. for neck CT scans and possibly another MRI.

I do have my doubts about the bp dx: I only sleep fewer than 8 hrs. a night against my will and I always feel tired when I don't get my usual amount of sleep. I have had the same job for the past 12 years, have never been fired, have never been arrested and have never even been close to being institutionalized. Basically, I am a lot like my mom in terms of temperament and she has held one job as a teacher for 30 years, never been arrested either, been married to the same man for 40 years, has won all kinds of teaching awards and has also never even been close to being hospitalized. Neither of us is perfect and we both have our share of issues -- perfectionists, very critical of self and others, anger issues (I know, I'm 100% sure all of these are all signs of bp -- see original post), but we do have very consistent temperaments, predictably moody in the morning but otherwise pretty even keel throughout the day.

What also frustrates me is that I read on a reputable site (either mayo.com or John Hopkins) that if a person has an OCD/ bp co-morbidity, the bp tends to be very pronounced. And even if it is determined I am bp, I probably won't go on lithium, or any other bp med. I don't want to be a lithium zombie for the rest of my life and from what I have read, lithium can affect memory and cognitive function.

I tried Zoloft a few months ago (rx'd by family doc after telling him the chronic pain was bumming me out) but could not stand the side effects, even on the lowest dose. In fact, I believe the psychologist may have come up with his theory because I told him the Zoloft made me "high." What I should have said was that it made me zoned out and lethargic, because later I read that patients who get "high," as in buzzed and hyper, on anti-depression meds might be exhibiting bp/ manic phase. Who knows...he didn't state why he has this theory.

Anyway, I'm sure a lot of you probably just think I'm in denial and that's perfectly okay and certainly you have that right. It's a "the lady doth protest too much" kind of thing; I get that. But really, this does suck... having to wait months to get in with a psychiatrist, and even then, knowing I will always have my doubts whichever way I am dx'd.

Well, thanks for reading this manifesto/ rant!