OK my take on defences from my own experience is that I don't trust anyone (well apart from you guys on here ).

Also there is some stuff from my past that is really hard for me to talk about, let alone "feel" again.

So there is my T who I size up and down and test for trustworthiness, who I am expected to sit with and talk about this stuff (and other stuff that I am not yet conscious of) in order to move forwards in life - and I use every game in the book to not share the stuff as it is just too damn scarey.

I think some of my defences are within my conscious thought - like "Oh no he is going to ask me a difficult question unless I get in there first and throw him off the scent", others less conscious - dissociation, blankness, low mood etc...

I think that if I was truely completely comfortable living in this old skin of mine and had a good understanding of myself, then I could sit in that room fairly comfortably and discuss in an adult way all this stuff that I am trying so hard to hide.

I am not sure how I get the defences down - as your T said, they are not necessarily a bad thing, all this time they have kept me safe, have served me well - protected me as a child - but it is time for them to come down - part of me knows they are not needed now, well not when I am with T - it just still feels hard.