I did try to talk to her about the si etc and she would call it resistance and say I should stop if therapy was not safe, but would never want to talk about it with me past that.

It is almost like I need therapy in order to do therapy. It was exhausting to fend off the amount of desire to beat myself to a pulp after each appointment.
Even if thismis just me having some attachment or defenses thing, it still sort of seems like the annihilation part is the wrong kind of awfulness.

The fear was from me. Even I cannot come up with a way to blame her for my crippling dread and fear of her. She did not usually do anything to create it and when she actually did mock me, the response I had was over the top for it.