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Oct 10, 2011, 05:57 PM
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Member Since: Apr 2011
Location: Io. Near Jupiter
Posts: 1,034
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Thank you Leo.
I think I have realised what happened to me today.
I spent some time with another human being face to face (my T), who I love because she see's me for what I am.
I came home, made coffee, had med's, and reflected.
What I saw all around me was just that - me, a reflection of of my personality, a personality that's being wasted.
All my books (which is very impressive). Books that are 1st editions from America (black sparrow press Bukowski's through to Russian 1st editions that I love and a mass of sci-fi and fiction). The music I own is vast. The art I look at (massive original pieces that I would die for) I love with all my heart.
My room, my organisation, my space; in the end its just a reflection of myself. I look around at what I own and I am proud of what I see; but its nothing if I cannot share it.
That's the problem, its just a reflection of myself, I see nobody else.
I have been alone for too long. I was a virgin till I was 21 (and proud of that I am), then I was never alone till 2006, now after 5 years I see nobody except my own world. Its a lonely world (if not for the internet I would be on the dark side of the moon).
It hit me like a ton of bricks. Just being with my T (who is more like a very good friend), made me see how alone I am. Again.....when I look around, I only see reflections of my own tastes. When being with another like mind, then coming home; I see a void containing nothing, no matter what I see.
It comes as a shock to know how far removed from (my) world irl I have become... .
My ex of 10 years did philosophy (and passed with hon's), she taught me a lot. Maybe too much. Now when I look around my (personal) world; all I see is someone very very alone.
I have never been alone like this, when I am in touch with a like mind (like my T today), then coming home alone, it kills me to see what I have lost in the shape of a human being (my ex).
I'll survive somehow. I have to. I don't think though I will ever be same again.
(being surrounded by dark forces and robbers and sketchy people does not help, I have never felt this exposed and fragile and open to attack ever in my life. I have to carry every thing with me where ever I go. Laptop electrical goods etc - nobody wants to steal books/c.d's it seems).
I'll do what it takes to protect myself (somehow).
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