Sannah, I don't think I ever feared that my mother didn't love me. That's NOT part of my history. There's got to be another explanation because that one doesn't fit. I don't think it's in my subconscious either. I really don't. I'm not trying to deny anything. I know what fits and what doesn't. I don't mind your questions, so don't think that. I just don't fit the mold you're trying to put me in. If I thought I was afraid my mother didn't love me, I would know it.

I WANT to deal with the real issues but I don't know what they are!!!! My T just thinks my Mom and I didn't mesh right but it's not about thinking she didn't love me. I remember when I changed schools in 3rd or 4th grade. I didn't like my new school and stayed home a lot. I said "I don't feel good". My mother would ask what hurt me and I would say "I don't know." I just couldn't express myself to her or to anyone. My stomach hurt and I felt like I wanted to be home when I was at school, but I couldn't tell my Mom that. She let me stay home mornings but I went to school in the afternoons. I gradually got over it after I made some friends.

When I broke my finger I didn't tell my parents. They wouldn't have been angry. I don't know why I didn't tell them. It never healed.

I don't know why I couldn't tell her I was worried something else was physically wrong with me--for 8 years. I know she loved me. I was just embarrassed to ask her. So my need to have a mother I could confide in wasn't met, but it has nothing to do with thinking at any time that she didn't love me, or wouldn't love me if I wasn't perfect. I knew I wasn't perfect. Maybe I didn't want to disappoint her, but it's not about her not loving me. Well, maybe I thought I couldn't be sick or have something wrong with me, that my mother wouldn't be able to handle it, or that she would get upset and overreact. Out of a great love for me, not the opposite.