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Originally Posted by stopdog
I did try to talk to her about the si etc and she would call it resistance and say I should stop if therapy was not safe, but would never want to talk about it with me past that.
It is almost like I need therapy in order to do therapy. It was exhausting to fend off the amount of desire to beat myself to a pulp after each appointment.
Even if thismis just me having some attachment or defenses thing, it still sort of seems like the annihilation part is the wrong kind of awfulness.
The fear was from me. Even I cannot come up with a way to blame her for my crippling dread and fear of her. She did not usually do anything to create it and when she actually did mock me, the response I had was over the top for it.
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Wow that is an interesting approach to say if it gets too much to question whether therapy is the right thing for you - I thought that was the whole point of therapy to work through the stuff that leads us to want to SI
I wonder if not all therapists are comfortable with working with SI - actually I remember why I choose my T and that is because they were the only one I found who specified that they work with SI.
I think it would make me feel unsafe thinking that my T was uncomfortable with SI - how on earth could you ever open up with someone like that - I would always feel that I needed to hide it and I think the guilt and shame would get worse. So for me it would completely explain the crippling dread and fear.
And your T mocking you? My T inadvertently did that to me - it took me 6 months to raise it with T, it completely floored me.
Although I am having a really hard time right now and want to chuck the T thing out the window, there is still a bit of me that knows it is the right thing to keep doing.
Takecare Stopdog - Soup