Hi obj, thank you so much for answering me.

What was it like before you got to the house? Was your mom willing to talk to you right when you got home-do you remember what it was like to tell her? What was her reaction-and how did you feel about it? I'm thinkin talking about it may help uncover he pain that you expereinced back then and is now affecting you today;

I ask this cautiously-what about your dad?

it was awful, I just wanted to get home, to get to my room and cry all that I could. It felt worse, cause I felt like she wasn’t hearing what I was saying, I wanted to change schools and she kept saying “you have to endure, it’s just a few more years and then you don’t have to see them again” but this was hell to me. I don’t think I ever spoke to my father about this, I think he knew, he saw me crying but he didn’t come to me to ask me anything.

I can imagine the amount of anxiety it kicks up for you when it happens-makes sense that it would be hard and triggering to keep experiencing it.

The smallest thing now can triggers everything that happened, I know it may sound stupid, and that it shouldn’t be like this but it’s really something I can’t control.

Was this just with your peers, or do you recall other relationships in which you felt betrayed?

I recall others, with my bf and even with my family, do you know when you realize that even your own family its talking **** about you behind your back?

Protecting yourself is a good thing-but your right-there is the lonliness; I can imagine that when you do come across someone you might want to try to trust, it must be so scary, the fear that they could turn on you at any point, and then you're alone again?

Yes the fear, I recall that every time I talk to someone and then got home, I kept thinking, did I do everything right, did I say something stupid that will made them talk bad about me, why don’t they say to me anything or text me? Well let them be, I don’t need anyone, I’m fine by myself.

Do you remember the last time this happened? Where were you, what kind of peeps were you with, and when did you start to feel the anxiety? What things were being discussed? I understand if you don't want to throw all of the details out here in public-I can see how that would trigger your fears of what others may think; I hafta say though, it's awesome that you were able to post thus far carry the anxities you have! What do you feel when you end up staying quiet?

Yes, it was with some co workers. I’m currently having an internship to conclude my graduation and we were lunching and they were talking bad about other people who they work with, and I remember thinking, I’m I the only one who doesn’t feel the need to talk bad about other people?! Oh well they changed the subject about things when they were young and as always I kept silent and quiet and suddenly one of them said something I can’t say it here because it was not in English it was in another language and I don’t know how to translate and sound the same, but it was something criticizing the fact of me being quiet and it wasn’t the nicest words. I start always when I arrive or when I’m at social meetings, and that’s why I avoid them most of the times. I don’t feel any better, I only feel more anxiety because I’m always careful to what I say, so a end up not bringing my personality out because of the looks they gave me and because I’m afraid of what they may think.
I just feel the need to saying this because honestly I think no one knows I feel about this, and I think the members of PC will understand, I’m hoping that =S. I can’t say this to other people, my bf or my family, because they will think I’m imagining things so I don’t feel any point in saying this, in explaining why I don’t go out, why I don’t want to.

Looks are the first thing that came up for you-have you ever had someone you really respected make a comment about your looks?
Let me know if I am overwhelming you with all these questions yo-I encourage you to be able to express these rather threatening thoughts at your own pace; on that note...what do you feel they are thinking or saying about your looks?

No I don’t think so, well it started with some “friends” on the secondary school and they were talking bad, but I didn’t respect them, not right now, but I think back then they were the only ones in my life, besides family, so that made me think “if they think this way, then that must be truth. That it’s bad. That’s why I do care about my looks, because I don’t want to give a chance to other people saying bad things and hurting me once again, because I do care what other people think or say about me, I can’t change that fact.

You feel like you are living in a constant state of humiliation?
Yes I feel like it, always remembering what it was like to hear the laughs, always bending my head down when I walk through crowds or when I heard a laugh, always think it’s about me. It’s exhausting.
Good description-I know those looks; anyone in your family ever give you that look(s)? Yes they did and there were even times when there were more than one person next to me and then the two of them started looking at each other, smiling and making fun of me, as they were saying “what? Is she nuts?” at least do that when I not notice god damn.
So when people don't give you hurtful looks, they ignore you?! Jeez! Expressing yourself must be difficult if no one is receptive!
No they don’t cause I honestly don’t give a chance to that, I always repel them and don’t give a chance for them to do that, I was referring to those people in school, they ignored me, do not speak to me so I decided to not let anyone get close because I know that some day they will hurt me in some way.
A best friend? Man, that will do it-it sucks so much when the one person who feel you can trust hurts you; you so deserve to be able to get close to someone and it be safe! I hope you keep talking!
Yes it is, because I trusted her, I thought she was there for me, even though she had other friends I always thought I could count on her but she talked bad to me when she was in front of them and when she was alone with me she treated me nice. I think I put an end to our friendship when I started realizing that she said some things to make me discuss with my bf and when found out she was talking about sex with him and was she had already done and when she told me he have told her that he wanted to have sex with other people. I know him for so many years, even before we started dating and he would never think that way and so because of those things and everything behind I decided to put an end to it and I never trust anyone that it’s not me (sometimes even that is hard).