Quote:
Originally Posted by Ygrec23
You and others may well disagree, but I'm convinced there's a big difference between a man beating a woman and a woman beating a man. Not very 21st Century, right? Well, I'm an old guy and perhaps that explains it. But I think there's reason and logic there too.
The entire human race, throughout its history, is a chronicle of man's oppression of woman. Physical, moral, intellectual, political, whatever, men have traditionally used every single means at their disposal to control, harass, overpower, keep down and crush women. You know this. Everyone knows this. And this ain't history! We all know well it's STILL going on.
So when a man beats a woman, anywhere in the world including here, she's part of an ongoing world-wide crusade for the treatment of women as full human beings with full human rights. A woman's attack on a man simply does not have that kind of historical, global resonance. A beaten woman must take into account not only her own injuries, but also the fact that she's part of a huge group that still has a very serious point to make. And by calling the cops she fulfills her responsibilities to all the other women in the world.
That's just not true when a woman hits a man, particularly if, as here, through lack of upper body strength, she simply can't hit hard enough to hurt him. It's an unpleasant and depressing situation, yes.
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Well, as someone who has worked in domestic violence for 20 years, I'd say you are very 21st century. Your reason and logic, including your political analysis, are spot on. While I have worked with male victims over the years and I have read some of the professional literature and media accounts that attempt to equalize women's violence against men to being "the same" as men's violence against women, I do come down on the political side that women's violence towards men (as a whole) is not the problem that men's violence towards women is. This is especially true when you look at "hard" data such as domestic homicides, where the number of women killed by men greatly exceeds the number of men killed by women. And the data diverge even more strongly when you look at the stats of who claims self defense as a reason for the killing.
None of this "big picture" stuff is meant to invalidate your experience of being abused, however. You do deserve help and support, and feeling depressed and sad about how your wife treats you is a legitimate problem. It was brave of you to raise it here.
What you don't say that women victims of domestic violence typically feel include that you are afraid for your life, that she is using abuse to control you in some or nearly all ways, that the violence is escalating, and that the hitting is only one of the things she does that makes you feel sad and depressed. On that last point, verbal, emotional, psychological, and sexual violence are often used as tools to reinforce physical attacks. And that physical violence can be more than just hitting, from driving recklessly to threats or use of weapons. My concern for you is that some of these things that you haven't said might actually be the case.
I completely understand your feelings about getting the police and courts involved, and I agree with you that this would be unlikely to be effective. But what police and court intervention does is hold the abuser accountable for her actions. This accountability is what has been shown, in many research studies over the years, to reduce or even stop future violence.
So, outside of formal intervention, what can you do to hold her accountable? One thing you might consider is a domestic violence abuser counseling program. If you live in a large-ish community (my college town of about 100,000 people has groups, the preferred treatment for abusers, that are separated into men and women's groups). Many of the people who go to these groups are court referred, but they take self referrals to (they are just not used to seeing them regularly). One way to find these groups is to call your local domestic violence shelter (and you would, by the way, be eligible for free services from the shelter, they have counseling and support and other non-residential services that may help you). I would encourage you to call the hotline of your local shelter (you can do this anonymously, although they may ask you for some demographic information that is required by their grant funders) and see what advice they might have for you.
Otherwise, I wonder if it might help for you to begin conversations with her (if you haven't already) that speaks to her accountability for her behavior. I get the sense from your post, I may be wrong, that you don't believe that she is incapable of controlling her behavior because of Alzheimer's or medication or even drinking. That she is choosing, as most abusers to, to hit you because she is distressed over your financial situation and blames you for it. Because of her beliefs about the value of men (to earn money), she may feel that you are less worthy now than you used to me, so she thinks it's okay to hit you. If she is choosing to hit, she can choose to stop. She just needs a reason to.
You may have already done this, but having conversations with her about how it is not okay for her to use you as a punching bag, that her abuse makes you feel sad and depressed, can hold her emotionally accountable. When she starts hitting, you can also repeat these messages. Can you tell her to stop when she starts? Are you able to physically get away from her at these times? Because she is weak, can you (gently) hold her hands and tell her to stop? You don't just have to stand there and take it, you can defend yourself without hurting her. If you've had conversations with her where she understands the impact of her abuse on you and wants to stop for your sake, this may help her.
You know it's not right, that she treats you like this. I am very glad that you reached out for help. I wish you the best,
Anne