uggh we're off and the flood gates are open!!!

My mom came down for thanks giving weekend. Any and every time my mom and sisters are together my mom will start a feud with one of us. I was filled with the anticipation of something happening so I had decided to go to a bikram yoga class the morning before I would see my mom that day. I thought this would help ground me and calm me down.

After we all met at the pumpkin patch and had a tailgaiting, well the stress for me kept building, my mom had handed me a card earlier so I opened it . It was will about how proud she is of us and our parenting blah blah blah, my sister was standing there talking to me and I couldn't even focus, I am just getting flooded with memories and hurtful things my mom has done, more like a tidal wave. So I am standing there and I just crack,in front of everyone. I just could not hold it together. My sister took me aside for a walk. Particularly got things flowing, as I know she didn't mean or truly think any of what was written.

I have never had anything like that happen in quite that way. I know there is a pose we do in yoga that is suppose to open your chest and heart and they say you will feel a lot of feelings. I don't know if that's what happened. I do know that I felt particularly protective of myself from my mom, I have had to work extremely hard over the last 6 month's to look remotely stable, and I know that could be all undone with a few of her passive aggressive or guilt statements.

the whole weekend I spent on tip toes, just waiting for a fight to burst somewhere, and it didn't happen, which is a relief but almost weird. I love my mom I just wish she could be a mom . She's the only parent I have and sometimes I just really need my mommy. Like the past 6 month's that I have been doing so bad, but she's not there. I do want my mommy, I just don't want to have to wear armour to be near her.