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Originally Posted by phoenix7
(((((Ygrec23))))) i am sorr this is happening to you - there have been some very good responces here - one i dont thinki saw a response to was drawing her into a hug when she attacks you - pin her arms and hold her till the violence subsides.
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I think that's an excellent suggestion and I'll try it immediately the next time it happens.
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Talking when she's sober is also a good idea, does she remember she does these things?
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It's interesting that you ask that. Usually these things happen in the evening, when she's got a load on. The next morning, she's all sunny and bright and loving. I haven't had the guts to ask whether she remembers what she did last night, I'm too happy with her just being better again. I'm sure many female victims of this stuff react the same way.
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Is she ok the rest of the time - I wish i was there to give you a hug you are a really nice guy and there arnt many left lol but you DONT deserve to be hit - whether she hurts you or not - it is disrespectful and hurtful and sad ....
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She's okay most of the time. We have our disagreements, particulary since money is so tight. But when her head isn't concentrated on how lousy her life is going, for which she blames me, she's okay.
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Communicate about this if you can. Im wondering what culture she comes from? would this have happened wiht her parents do you think? a learned response?
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I can't imagine my father-in-law hitting my mother-in-law. Or vice-versa. There was a lot of tension in the family because father-in-law was a compulsive gambler and blew most of what he earned while mother-in-law had to somehow hold the family together. But violence? I really don't think so.
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to me and Just my opinion, it seems like frustration to me - when you drink barriers of self control are lowered and sometimes frustration comes to the front - there is a sound of a child in there - sigh I recognise the child in me that WANTS things - and gets angry when they cant get them (for me its getting past this stupid PTSD crap lol ) for her it sounds like the role models have changed and she doesnt know what to make of them now - again just my opinion.
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I agree entirely. Drink does have that effect, particularly if you can't take it, which she can't. And she IS frustrated. She's too old to take any active measures to adjust the family finances, she has to rely on me, and she doesn't think I'm as reliable now as I was in the past. And, as I mentioned above, she did have a father who blew his income on gambling, so a lot of the frustration could be childhood leftovers coming out now.
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I dont know much about Alzheimers meds - but any meds is not good wiht alcohol - does her Neuro knowshe is using alcohol and I say using cos it sounds like she is using it as a drug not as a relaxant..... maybe im wrong....
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No, you're right. And no, the neuro doesn't yet know, but the T and Pdoc do!
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Have you tried shouting really loud STOP! it may shock her into stopping - agian just a thought
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Oh, yes! Tried that! She LOVES me yelling, so she can YELL BACK! That's playing the game HER way!
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if it is the alzheimers a brain scan will prove it - if she has had one ask to see it - there will be definitive proof there. there are meds for aggression that are actually for other things - that we use in brain injury - that may help - if the aggression is due to the illness - speak to the neurologist sooner rather than later my friend - you said that with men it can escalate - it can also escalate wiht women - and she needs to know this is not acceptable
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I can see that I really do have to set up a private conference with her neuro. That's feasible because she's signed a HIPAA waiver. But she's made it plain she doesn't want me seeing her doctors without her being present, so I've been putting it off. And that's just what I have to do, see her doctors without her.
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you have said you love her and wont leave her - that is wonderful - but YOU have the right to not be abused my friend and this is abuse - dont doubt it - can yu substitute what she drinks for a non alcoholic equivelant? non alcoholic wine looks and smells and tastes like the real stuff but doesnt have the alcohol in - just an example - mayb add water to her drinks - I have doen that with my sister - or thrown half her glass away - she is usually too drunk to realise anyway -or tipsy....
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I don't think that kind of deception would work. Mrs. Ygrec was raised in a drinking culture and is quite sophisticated when it comes to any form of alcohol. I think she'd know immediately what had happened, from the first sip.
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for me where i work - we lower our tone - move out of swing range - can you do that? keep out of range? what would she do then? hold her at arms length? and we try to distract them wiht somthing they like - a family picture - a hobby - sounds ridiculous when someone at my work is smashing things to start saying hey what about the football game on saturday - but it works a lot of the time and the picture is good - just no glass frames ok - maybe a pic of her mum and dad if you have one and she was happy then what does make her happy ? gives you a big hug cos ..well just cos you are you
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Mmmm. Nope. We have a reasonably big house. When she wants to hit me she usually has to come quite a ways to do it. I'll be sitting at my desk on the computer. She'll bust in in a fury and start lambasting me while I'm in the desk chair. Used to be, she'd start to cry after a while. And then I'd hug her and hold her and things would calm down. Not now. She just hits me over and over, screaming at me for all the things I've done wrong, and then runs away. What have I done wrong? I haven't rinsed the dishes correctly before putting them in the dishwasher. I messed up the inside of the refrigerator. I didn't take the garbage out on time. I messed up the cans in the pantry. Whatever!
Well, phoenix, that's about it. I WILL get together with her docs and let them know. I realize that I do have to keep liquor out of the house, anything whatsoever with alcohol in it. She'll drink anything with alcohol in it. Even vanilla extract. But that really, really gripes me because I really like a drink now and then. And I've never, ever had even one of the "signals of alcoholism" that are listed all over the place. I'm responsible. I don't ever get drunk. But I do like a drink now and then. Take care!
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We must love one another or die.
W.H. Auden
We must love one another AND die.
Ygrec23