Ok, so you are suicidal. Of course you know I'm going to voice an opinion you won't like, right?

I understand not liking the hospital, even despising it. Trust me, I've been there 9 times in 3 years. It's not a happy place. And to be honest, it never really helped me EXCEPT by allowing me to find a psychiatrist I mesh well with, find proper diagnoses, and by providing me a safe place when I'm suicidal.

My pdoc and I established that the hospital would only be beneficial to me now if I felt suicidal. Our current plan is, if I feel suicidal, I get admitted to the hospital until the feeling goes away. Simple and beneficial.

I know you don't want to hear (or rather, read) it, but if you really are suicidal, I would recommend you be admitted to the psych hospital. Maybe you just need a few days, maybe a few weeks. But who cares, really, if it's going to help save your life? With that mindset, a few weeks doesn't seem like all that much.

Maybe the hospital admission will give you time to find a psychiatrist you get along well with, you could also play with the dosages of your meds...or try new ones. I can picture you groaning while reading this, because I know how frustrating it is to go back to square one after working so hard to get better.

When someone is suicidal, I really don't see any other alternative. (An exception is to someone with BPD or depression who may feel suicidal daily but doesn't intend to go through with it). But you sound like you're serious. I hope you'll at least give this some thought.