To be completely honest.... Finding a pdoc that is a good one... seems like it wont happen. Even talking about finding a good one or the possibility of an admittance, doesn't sound even good right now. I have a test on Friday, and a lab due next week. I have work on Tuesday and I can't cancel on them. Yes it's all stress all the time right now. Calling someone to try and help me study sounds like an impossible task. In my mind there has to be a way for something else to work. I don't have a good T right now and my classes take up their office hours.

I'm at a stalemate with my current T, and a standoff with my pdoc. I have 8 days to figure out what in the world I want to do about the pdoc, and the questions he will ask, which I already know. I've been through this all before, I know both sides, I've studied Suicide, and intervention. I'm a Psychology major, and understand Depression well enough to write a book about it, with studies done from other people. I can easily talk to the doc using persuasion, which I"m currently studying. I can do this, I know I can.

It's the simple fact that my pdoc doesn't understand me that's bugging me the most. I feel like the people who understand me have gone through this, but the professionals don't understand me at all. NONE of it makes sense in there mind, and when they explain it, well if feels like a lecture. I know this better than they do, I"m living through it, and can't explain my feelings to well. Trying to get them to figure out that I don't know what exact thoughts are triggering me, but I do see all of the pictures in my mind. I see pictures, I see different possibilities, I see and feel good and bad things. And trying to tell someone what I see is next to impossible. NONE of my treatment team understands me... and I mean they don't understand me, they don't know how to help me. I know what they are going to say before they say it. What more can I do?