[quote=Christine08;2056386]Hi obj, thank you so much for answering me.

No proly yo! Um, I asked:

What was it like before you got to the house? Was your mom willing to talk to you right when you got home-do you remember what it was like to tell her? What was her reaction-and how did you feel about it?

You said:

it was awful, I just wanted to get home, to get to my room and cry all that I could. It felt worse, cause I felt like she wasn’t hearing what I was saying, I wanted to change schools and she kept saying “you have to endure, it’s just a few more years and then you don’t have to see them again” but this was hell to me. I don’t think I ever spoke to my father about this, I think he knew, he saw me crying but he didn’t come to me to ask me anything.

When your mom said you had to endure, you said it was hell for you-you remember what were you thinking about your mom after she told that to you? Where were you in the house when you tod, her, what was she doing? I'm hoping to help you really go back to that time, I feel you suffered at such a great level from this incident;

Your father saw you crying?

The smallest thing now can triggers everything that happened, I know it may sound stupid, and that it shouldn’t be like this but it’s really something I can’t control.

Doesn't sound stupid to me at all; something happened to where you felt humiliated as a kid-it was traumatic; you couldn't control it back then-nor should you have even had to as a kid. So now when similar situations happen, you feel just like you did back then;

I had asked:

Was this just with your peers, or do you recall other relationships in which you felt betrayed?

I recall others, with my bf and even with my family, do you know when you realize that even your own family its talking **** about you behind your back?

I'm thinkin the family is the critical point-what hurts more than those who are the closest to you? I can't imagine how alone that must have made you feel!

Yes the fear, I recall that every time I talk to someone and then got home, I kept thinking, did I do everything right, did I say something stupid that will made them talk bad about me, why don’t they say to me anything or text me? Well let them be, I don’t need anyone, I’m fine by myself.

This right here I think is the center of the recreation; as a kid, I don't think you did anything wrong, I don't think you ever said something stupid. What I do think though, is that as a kid, you were sure made to feel this way-maybe even on a painfully constant basis as well-much like your current life? Your mom did not let you change schools, she made you 'endure', that is, go at it alone, by yourself-and that is how you cope today-"I don't need anyone, I'm fine by myself" because your parents proved that they wouldn't help you?

Yes, it was with some co workers. I’m currently having an internship to conclude my graduation

(congradulations! that's hard work-I dread grad school lol)

and we were lunching and they were talking bad about other people who they work with, and I remember thinking, I’m I the only one who doesn’t feel the need to talk bad about other people?!

Yeah, talking bad about others sure does take the pressures off of them...blah!

Oh well they changed the subject about things when they were young and as always I kept silent and quiet and suddenly one of them said something I can’t say it here because it was not in English it was in another language and I don’t know how to translate and sound the same, but it was something criticizing the fact of me being quiet and it wasn’t the nicest words.

Shame on them! Nice of them to blame you for feeling the need to keep it on the down low;

I start always when I arrive or when I’m at social meetings, and that’s why I avoid them most of the times. I don’t feel any better, I only feel more anxiety because I’m always careful to what I say, so a end up not bringing my personality out because of the looks they gave me and because I’m afraid of what they may think.

That's defintitly no way to live!

I just feel the need to saying this because honestly I think no one knows I feel about this, and I think the members of PC will understand, I’m hoping that =S. I can’t say this to other people, my bf or my family, because they will think I’m imagining things

Sometimes I swear people get caught up in their reality so much that they fail to see another's reality. What I mean is-well, okay worst case scenerio-you are imaging it-even then, you are experiencing actual humiliation-why is that being ignored? Someone telling you that you are imagining these things is awfully invalidating-I just fail to see how that could help a person. It doesn't sound like your family is listening;....did you say you had to end the bf relationship?

I had asked:

Looks are the first thing that came up for you-have you ever had someone you really respected make a comment about your looks?
Let me know if I am overwhelming you with all these questions yo-I encourage you to be able to express these rather threatening thoughts at your own pace; on that note...what do you feel they are thinking or saying about your looks?

No I don’t think so, well it started with some “friends” on the secondary school and they were talking bad, but I didn’t respect them, not right now, but I think back then they were the only ones in my life, besides family, so that made me think “if they think this way, then that must be truth. That it’s bad.

What do you feel your family thinks?

That’s why I do care about my looks, because I don’t want to give a chance to other people saying bad things and hurting me once again, because I do care what other people think or say about me, I can’t change that fact.

I truley do not believe that crap about "choosing" to not let people affect us; hurt is hurt-if we are hurt by it, denying it will only make that anger come out destructivly on ourselves. Eventually, however, we can get to a point where the things that used to trigger us so badly have less and less impact, because it has been worked through at one's own pace; what people say about you is triggering you, hurting you deeply. I do believe that you don't have to live in this constant state of checking over what you said, or did-this fear of humilation, forever. It definitly will not change overnight fo sure yo!

You feel like you are living in a constant state of humiliation?
Yes I feel like it, always remembering what it was like to hear the laughs, always bending my head down when I walk through crowds or when I heard a laugh, always think it’s about me. It’s exhausting.

Belive it or not, eventhough what you are experiencing now is your "normal"...I do believe you could have that life where people laughing will not immediatly make you judge yourself, or worry. I encourage you to keep talking at your own pace-if possible with all my questions

Good description-I know those looks; anyone in your family ever give you that look(s)? Yes they did and there were even times when there were more than one person next to me and then the two of them started looking at each other, smiling and making fun of me, as they were saying “what? Is she nuts?” at least do that when I not notice god damn.

What do you remember about this incident(s)? Were you at dinner? Out somewhere? Who did the looks come from? Why do you think they felt that way? What were you feeling?

A best friend? Man, that will do it-it sucks so much when the one person who feel you can trust hurts you; you so deserve to be able to get close to someone and it be safe! I hope you keep talking!
Yes it is, because I trusted her, I thought she was there for me, even though she had other friends I always thought I could count on her but she talked bad to me when she was in front of them and when she was alone with me she treated me nice. I think I put an end to our friendship when I started realizing that she said some things to make me discuss with my bf and when found out she was talking about sex with him and was she had already done and when she told me he have told her that he wanted to have sex with other people. I know him for so many years, even before we started dating and he would never think that way and so because of those things and everything behind I decided to put an end to it and I never trust anyone that it’s not me (sometimes even that is hard).

wow yo-I can see how talk like that could upset things fer sure; that is double threat of abandonment here-one in the form of betrayal by your friend, then someone implying betrayal from your bf; ho are things between you and your bf now? Sorry if I repeated this question somewhere....

Not fun stuff yo! There's something about talking abiut things that allows us to sort through things...it will also bring you closer to deep pain; in theory, the more you let all the pain and anger out, the more energy you will have to focus on learning how to recognize healthy relationships...people who will respect you will suddenly fall into your life. I am not telling a forchune though-sounded a little like it-all in my opinion; I know I'm not so humble sometimes-it be a work in progress-but I so beleive in talking proly's out;

Take care,
-obj