Thank you Madisgram, it is so hard and is being agrivated by my attorney and his issues and the up coming deposition and a busy weekend, so much all at once.

It is so unimaginable to me how hard this can be. It seems like I turn a corner and start to feel better and then so much hits me and I just tumble and then I can't seem to do anything. I feel like I am screaming for a break and no one listens and all I keep hearing is how this is life and push your way through and it just doesn't work like that with Complex PTSD. And I get very angry because I can't seem to make it happen. I have been trying very hard to coax my brain to handle this, look at the paperwork, the depositions from my daughter and me and the attorney wants to meet this week, I never feel good after meeting with him, I have to be functionable for this weekend when I need to work.

It is actually so embarrassing for me and I just want to hide and cry because I get so frustrated. I feel like a big baby as I get angry that my own brain just shuts down.
I don't understand WHY I cant get from step to step sometimes. And I know I haven't had any time to grieve or anything, always having to relive it constantly, this is so cruel in so many ways. And I don't know if anyone can relate but I end up getting jumpy at any sound or disturbance and cant even talk to customers at times. And I need that because winter is coming and I have to feed these animals and try to have enough to pay on all this debt created by my negligent neighbor that I honestly never deserved in any way.

I could have never imagined that something like this could exist. I feel like I am losing myself and it is so embarrassing when my husband looks at me so helpless and confused and then he gives me a list of how to do this and that and he doesn't realize I have already been doing that over and over. And as much as I try to explain what happens if I push too hard or too much comes at me, my brain just seems to shut down and then I can't do anything, it is so hard to make others understand, or even understand myself. Why does it do this? Well over four years is an awful long time to ask a brain to keep remembering something it so does not want to remember.

Thanks for your imput, at least when others can relate I don't feel so alone with this awful battle.