I said:
It was awful, I just wanted to get home, to get to my room and cry all that I could. It felt worse, cause I felt like she wasn’t hearing what I was saying, I wanted to change schools and she kept saying “you have to endure, it’s just a few more years and then you don’t have to see them again” but this was hell to me. I don’t think I ever spoke to my father about this, I think he knew, he saw me crying but he didn’t come to me to ask me anything.

You said:
When your mom said you had to endure, you said it was hell for you-you remember what were you thinking about your mom after she told that to you? Where were you in the house when you tod, her, what was she doing? I'm hoping to help you really go back to that time, I feel you suffered at such a great level from this incident;

I remember to think that she didn’t understand what I was going through, that she was cold to “ignore” my appealing because I needed her, I wasn’t young enough to make decisions or to do things by my own hands, I needed someone that could tell me that everything was going to be ok that I didn’t have to endure all of that anymore. It’s funny, you would think that someone who suffers from depression (my mom) would understand the pain, the crises, but when I say to her that I need to see a psychologist see says to me that I don’t have issues that bring me down and that other people have worst things they deal with and sometimes even ask me “why?” even thought she has seen me at my worst even thought she took me to hospital when I tried suicide with pills. I’m sorry for writing such a huge text but this as been here for so long (god I’m crying).

I was in my room, I think she heard my screaming’s from crying and then entered the room. I don’t know what she was doing because I entered my house and go directly to my bed.

Your father saw you crying?

That time specifically no, I think he was working, but at other times I think he did or my mom told him, my mom tells him everything that happens to me, because honestly I don’t.

I said
The smallest thing now can triggers everything that happened, I know it may sound stupid, and that it shouldn’t be like this but it’s really something I can’t control.

You said
So now when similar situations happen, you feel just like you did back then

This is so true!!! Sobbing




Your mom did not let you change schools, she made you 'endure', that is, go at it alone, by yourself-and that is how you cope today-"I don't need anyone, I'm fine by myself" because your parents proved that they wouldn't help you?

I think this makes absolutely sense to me. They didn’t help me, even know they don’t. When I’m in my room, crying non stopping, shaking, hurting myself, this is me asking for help, when I said to my mom, I need a shrink because I don’t want to live, I asked for help, they didn’t give it to me, they did what they always done, you endure that and some day it will pass (of course it will, when I end my life).

I was seeing a psychologist, my bf took me there but I wasn’t feeling any good, and I didn’t feel better telling all that so I left. I’m beginning to think no one can help me.

(congradulations! that's hard work-I dread grad school lol)

Thank you =) I’m happy with myself for this because I didn’t give up to reach a good grade of education. Did you? Seriously? I think it’s great, the learning and that, we became mature, and also it’s another atmosphere, with different people we are used to.

Yeah, talking bad about others sure does take the pressures off of them...blah!

Lol I think so too, I swear to god sometimes I think it’s the only way they get to be happy, talking about the lives of other people.

I said
I start always when I arrive or when I’m at social meetings, and that’s why I avoid them most of the times. I don’t feel any better, I only feel more anxiety because I’m always careful to what I say, so a end up not bringing my personality out because of the looks they gave me and because I’m afraid of what they may think.

You said
That's definitely no way to live!

I think so too, but what can I do? I tried to change that but it didn’t work, so I just keepburying myself in.

I just feel the need to saying this because honestly I think no one knows I feel about this, and I think the members of PC will understand, I’m hoping that =S. I can’t say this to other people, my bf or my family, because they will think I’m imagining things

You asked:

Looks are the first thing that came up for you-have you ever had someone you really respected make a comment about your looks?
Let me know if I am overwhelming you with all these questions yo-I encourage you to be able to express these rather threatening thoughts at your own pace; on that note...what do you feel they are thinking or saying about your looks?

I said
No I don’t think so, well it started with some “friends” on the secondary school and they were talking bad, but I didn’t respect them, not right now, but I think back then they were the only ones in my life, besides family, so that made me think “if they think this way, then that must be truth. That it’s bad.

What do you feel your family thinks?

I think my close family thinks I’m appealing, they even said that once or twice, but what can this means? My mom thinks I don’t need therapy as for the rest they talk behind each others back, they could have just said that and thinking that it’s no true.
.

I truley do not believe that crap about "choosing" to not let people affect us; hurt is hurt-if we are hurt by it, denying it will only make that anger come out destructivly on ourselves.

Yeah I get that point, because I heard one or two people saying that what other people think or say doesn’t have an impact on them and that they don’t care, but I honestly think that already comes with them, that it was developed in their lives, I think it’s great for them but I also think they have a limit to it, cause I think no one is indestructible to words and at some point they to suffer from it.

I said
Yes they did and there were even times when there were more than one person next to me and then the two of them started looking at each other, smiling and making fun of me, as they were saying “what? Is she nuts?” at least do that when I not notice god damn.


You asked
What do you remember about this incident(s)? Were you at dinner? Out somewhere? Who did the looks come from? Why do you think they felt that way? What were you feeling?

I was at a birthday party at my cousin’s house and with was my sister and cousin that did that. I think I said something in a way I don’t usually do, like I’m smiling and talking loud, you know, in some way more energetic, maybe it was because of that, I shut this side because everyone always give that looks.

wow yo-I can see how talk like that could upset things fer sure; that is double threat of abandonment here-one in the form of betrayal by your friend, then someone implying betrayal from your bf; ho are things between you and your bf now? Sorry if I repeated this question somewhere....

They are fine we have some troubles but it is because of other things that I already discuss here on PC.
He has diminished the pressure he did to me, because he wanted me to go out more times with him and his friends, I didn’t feel like it, because then I would had to see her and because we distanced from each other she always ended up putting me aside from the group of girls( girls who date my boyfriend’s friends ) and there was even a time when she called all of them (the girls) to go drink and toast to girls and all the boys stayed outside, well guess what, they didn’t take me with them and didn’t invite me in.
Back to the other thing, I believed it in him because when she was saying that to me I remember thinking (oh I already know what he said to you, that he didn’t feel the need to have sex with other people) because I know him and he was my friend before we dated and she was giving other signs that she was trying to create a bad atmosphere between me and my boyfriend.

The more energy you will have to focus on learning how to recognize healthy relationships...people who will respect you will suddenly fall into your life.

Those people really exist? I’m taking a hard time believing it. I don’t have proof for that, my “friends”, family, even boyfriend. I know people have flaws and that they’re not perfect, but I do not expect for them to be, I only expect that they gave me their best, not perfection, only the best they could, but they expect me to accept someone who talks bad about others, because I’m done and trough with that.


I lost the interest and the trust in people and i can't replace that, for anything, i can't gain it again, or at least i don't know why, maybe I wasn't meant to have friends, the emptiness seems endless.