I have always, always struggled with sleep. I have a seemingly permanently racing mind, with the exception of during deep depressions.

Weds, after confiding in/breaking down in front of somebody, I knew I had far too much to process to be able to fall asleep easily.
Thurs, being a little manic, I didn't *want* to sleep, so like a petulant child refused to go to bed.
Fri, still buzzing, I was stll up at 4am inexplicably throwing perfectly good food out!
Sat, I had a friend over so inevitably did not get much sleep.
Sun, I had an essay due the next day, so did not sleep at all due to frantically trying to get it done.

The upshot is, after 4 nights of little sleep and 1 night of none, I was absolutely wrecked by Monday. I somehow made it through the whole day at work and stayed up until about 10pm before going to bed and waiting for the exhaustion to kick in. I only woke up once in the night, slept through my morning alarms and called in sick to work. I then proceeded to sleep fitfully throughout the morning.

I woke up frequently, but each time slipped back into the same dream, or at least the same dreamlike situation. Each time I awoke I thought, "please don't let me end up there again" and each time I fell asleep again, I was back. On one occasion I woke up and began to cry. I've had this before - during one painful depressive episode I would fall asleep, but dream I was in exactly the same situation as when I was awake, but with the sense of a terrible presence in the room. I would wake up exhausted, praying not to fall into the dream again, but I repeated the terrifying cycle for several hours. The fear was suffocating.

Now I find myself in bed, tired, but with a racing mind. I want to sleep, I want to shut off all the chattering in my head, but I don't want to find myself trapped inside my thoughts again. I crave the numbness that sleeping pills induce, but sadly have none.

(Sorry as always for the essay-length post)