It's getting intense. It takes great effort to organize my thoughts, but I usually can do it. I still can go to class, though I really, really don't want to. I'm having problems remembering things; I don't know if that's due to the depression or to tegretol. I have super-important exams, but I can't study. And if I do manage to study, I can't remember enough. I'm so stupid. Why do I even try?

All I want to do is sleep, but whenever I nap I wake up feeling worse. The dirty dishes are piling up. My apartment is a mess. I care just enough to beat myself up about it.

I see other people my age pursuing their interests vigorously. They accomplish more. They think they are better than I am. I crave their energy, drive and passion.

I want to go to med school, but I question whether it would be a good idea to pursue such a high pressure career. I can scarcely take care of myself; how can I care for others? But I can't see myself doing anything else with my life.

I want to do something incredible. I want my life to mean something. But I am unwilling/unable to put forth the effort required. I long to be able to work hard, like I did a few years ago, but the thought of the associated pain drives me away.

I impulsively almost stepped in front of a bus today. This is starting to scare me. I want to live, I just don't want to live like this. I've read about kindling theory. If I don't get this under control now, it will only get worse. But I don't know how to get it under control. Call my pdoc? The only thing she can do is prescribe drugs that probably won't work, and that very well could make things worse.

I need to dig myself out of this, but I am too weak. And there enlies the problem.

Thanks for reading my rant. Depression sucks.