I'm gonna talk, and I may talk a lot, and most of the things I say may not make sense to anybody, but it's one of those days, and I'm trying to figure stuff out.
I'm angry a lot lately. It comes from everywhere, and nowhere. It's comfortable, and yet I hate it at the same time. It's something I'm used to. It's something that I've held inside for many years, because I didn't dare feel anything.
Well, now it's getting to the point where I either have to deal with what's behind the anger, or lose the woman I love for good. I don't want to lose her. She's the only beautiful thing I have, the only thing that makes sense in all my confusion. I'm hurting her, and no matter how much I talk about my past, and how it made me feel, and how I feel about it now, it's STILL THERE. It's in my dreams, it's in the way someone talks to me, it's in every daily event in my life. It's everywhere, and it's nowhere. Everyday, I struggle not to see every person as my enemy. I take everything personally, and I intensify it, to the point of obssession. I spend my time trying to 'fix' things that I feel are wrong, and replay events in my mind as if I can change what has occurred, or do things differently.
In my mind, I'm a bad person. I'm evil...the most disgusting thing you could ever lay eyes on.
There's no such thing as 'constructive' criticism in my world. It's all the same, and it all feels the same. There's no 'blowing off steam' when you're around me. It only makes things more painful, and more intense in my mind. If you're angry, it must be my fault. Period. If you're yelling around me, you're yelling AT me, and I caused that, too. It's inevitable. My defense mechanisms rise to the challenge, and I spit enough venom back at you to make sure you're hurt, but good. The more intense the argument, the deeper I go into myself, and back into obsessing about the 'why' of things.
I hurt her today, like I always do. I don't even remember what was said or done to start it. I don't know how to fix it, either. I hate myself....
She said..that I should write letters...letters that I'm not going to send. One letter to my mother, another to my ex husband. She says that I should write about everything they made me feel, everything they did to hurt me. Even thinking about this has me cringing inside. Yet, I can take a piece out of my day, and ruin hers in a heartbeat. WHY? I love her. Doesn't that count for anything? Doesn't that help? Why do I have to be so destructive?
I don't want to lose her, and I'm so scared right now, I can't think of anything but that. I'm ruining everything. I just want it to stop.