Fortunately my husband has found a permanent job. So why am I still feeling so stressed and down on myself? I think it has to do with a few things. I feel incapable of living my daily life. I showered today for the first time since Oct.1. I am not really depressed, though I feel it coming on today, and definitely not manic.

I don't know, my mind keeps saying, "I hate myself, I hate myself." What a bummer.

Things that were issues between me and my husband had to go to the back burner when he was unemployed and now I feel them bubbling up again. The issues are still there. I don't know if my illness is magnifying them or if they are really as urgent as I feel they are.

I saw my T today and will see my pdoc on Friday. I wish I could just do the things I need to do and have good relationships with the people in my life. I just feel so ...disconnected... and afraid to death to get connected to a community, to neighbors, to my husband and sometimes with my children. There is something essential missing from me, like I am all dried up and have nothing left. I feel like I don't want to connect, but I have to. It's an obligation because others tell me I would feel better, or they expect it and I don't want to upset anyone.

People look at me funny and when they make eye contact, I get scared because I don't know what they are going to do. Even when I drive, I see people walking and driving who are looking right into my eyes. I feel like the neighbors watch me when I go outside.

Ack. I am just a mess right now.