What I want to say:

-I feel ******
-I'm too anxious to schedule an appointment with the front desk because I'm mortified by the last interaction I had with the receptionist
-I know better than this
-But I'm scared by how I feel, and I thought it might help to talk to you, or leave you a message, or something
-I haven't seen you in a month and it sucks
-My head is spinning in circles
-I want to hurt myself today for the first time in a very, very long time

I don't think my T is the kind to communicate over the phone... and I'm concerned I'm just doing this for attention. Could I ride this out? Yes. Yes, I could, of course. Is that the best decision for me? I'm not sure. I hurt inside. I want help. This may be the only way I know how to ask for it right now. At least, the only way that I'll follow through on.

I know all these things I can do--coping strategies, or whatever. Running. Talking to friends. Drinking beer (lol, I made that one up). Cleaning, showering, going on with my day like everything is normal. I KNOW these.

The problem is that I"m frozen and I'm not doing them even though I know them.

Uhgh. Advice, anyone? My T is totally not the type to have extended conversations over the phone. I don't know what to do. I haven't been to therapy in over a month. I keep thinking I'll schedule an appointment tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. But I never schedule it, and I feel worse each day. But I feel so detached from it. Like, whatever I could say over the phone... I would never say it to her face.

Sigh.

A rant, I guess. *knock knock* Anyone out there?