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Elysium · Oct 12, 2011, 08:26 PM

So....I got the restraining order and a move out order filed today. I have only had contact with this woman's Mother to let her know that she was not allowed to come back and that she needed to go through the Sheriff's to set it up to get her belongings back or she would violate the order.

I had my locks changed tonight, which was kind of a pain. My landlord said that she would do it for me, but I had to provide her a copy of the restraining order so she could send it to the legal department. We are in California and the legal department is in Chicago....so by the time the order was faxed, their legal department was already closed for the night. This woman is set to be released tomorrow and she still had a working key....I was really stressed and freaked....very triggered by the whole idea that she could just walk right back in. So, I called and had the lock re-keyed and payed for it out of my pocket. My landlord said that was fine, however they won't reimburse me the $$ as it was for a personal problem. She said they would have charged me for it anyway if they had to do it.

At least now I have peace knowing she cannot get into my house. I know she's going to be pissed off and she doesn't have anywhere to go when she gets out. She doesn't know anyone down here and she has no way of getting back up to Oregon right now. I'm having a really hard time with the guilt....like I should reach out and help her...but on the other hand, she committed the act and she needs to be accountable and these are the consequences of her actions. As difficult as it is...I wash my hands of her. If she is smart, before she is release from jail she will speak with the staff and find out what her resources are for getting assistance with housing or funding so she can get back to her apartment in Oregon. It can't be my concern.

This has put my whole system in a tizzy. We are all so triggered by this and so scared, yet we feel really distant like it didn't happen to us and there is a wall up that is not letting us feel much of anything about this, except the anger.

I have been reluctant to talk about this here....I guess I feel like I'm supposed to be supportive and be everyone else's strength. I feel like everyone has their own problems and no one wants to hear me boo-hoo about my issues.

My T says it's because the few times I asked for help growing up, I didn't get the help and people either ignored me or joined in on the abuse. She says that reaching out for comfort feels foreign and unsafe.....and she is right...it does.

I hate feeling this vulnerable.