Well, I didn't have a good day today. I can't really understand why this happens but I got up and came here and fed the horses and ponies and had so much on my list of to do's that I became overwhelmed and my husband told me he spoke with my attorney and that I had to call him today and schedule a meeting this week. He told me I had to call him after noon and then my brain just got angry and I struggled and then my brain took a dive. And I could not do anything. That is such a disabling feeling because I could feel my brain pulsating, what does that mean? I am still trying to understand why my brain just gives out like that and then I am completely exhausted and can do nothing but go up to bed and pass out. I am so embarrassed that this happens and I get so incapacitated. So I finally woke up and I knew I had to make that call. So I did and my attorney was looking for a time to meet and I made it for tomarrow late afternoon in case my brain does the same thing tomarrow.

I actually managed to read my daughter's deposition and felt I would give mine a go too. I looked at the date I took my first half and it was over a year ago, imagine that a year ago and I remember that last question I could not seem to answer. It will be 375 days of struggling one day at a time, often one moment at a time in waiting to finish that dam deposition. And my attorney sounded cold and he said, "After all it is YOUR case." Now I do know it is my case, ofcourse, but it didn't come out that way, it was more of your issue not mine kind of sentiment. Not someone saying, I am here for you, and we are in it together and I took on your case because I believe you and you deserve to recover for your substantial losses. Now just scramble my brain and put it on ice now kind of feeling.

I shall continue to read Roses statements here because she's in my corner and that's who I want with me in my thoughts. I realize that I am alone IRL and its cold out here in this IRL atmosphere right now.

After I finished reading the depositions I didn't do as bad as I thought, I tryed very hard and had 1/2 a Klonipin in me. It doesn't say in black in white that I was flashbacking, only that I was crying at the end. I tryed to talk out loud about my memories that I will be asked to recall. I didn't do so well tonite with that, I cryed very hard so I just stopped and went out to the barn and picked out stalls. I came inside and came here to talk about how I feel.

I don't know what comes next, don't know how I will feel tomarrow or if I will hold back the tears on Monday. I hope my brain doesn't give out on me, oh I wish I knew why that happens. Perhaps it is just 4 years and three months of having to remember and not really being able to let go or really grieve. IDK

Open Eyes