Thank you Sabrina & Petunia

God I can't believe I put up with that for so long...but then I grew up with it....the hardest part I think that hurt me the most was the humilation and shame..bruises heal..but man humilation/shame they go to my core issues..and you know..all those years when I should of been hating him..I was hating myself more and more, and terrified of him...trying to fix what it was that I was doing wrong, trying to make him not hate me so much for him to be doing and saying the things he did...the pattern of childhood abuse overlayed..living the same way..hiding and enduring and thinking that there was no other way to live..I could never possible have or deserve anything else..it almost killed me..and times I wished it had..I remember when it was at its worse just praying "do..it..do..it..get it over with" because then I would not have to go out into the world and put this mask on, and appear okay, especailly in a healthcare enviroment, where "ok" was what you strive for, and then go home...and just have the value of spit in the wind..get up the next day and do it over and over again..felt so trapped and confused..pulled into a police station parking a couple of years ago after we moved to another state, had my golden retriever in tow..my only true friend and confident..my ex at home going balistic tearing up the house..I thought this is it..I will walk in there and tell them I was afraid to go home..what stopped me..was the terrified thought that it wouldn't fix anything they would just tell him to calm down since that had happened before when he got out of control rage attacks...and things would get worse when he got back..so i sat there imbolized staring at the police station entrance..wanting to scream for help..but afraid that by telling them it would make it worse..again that childhood overlay..so I just sat there in my van with my dog..then went home..cleaned up the debrie..and waited for the abuse to start, in whatever form it was going to take.. to recover from this, I know it will take time..but the pit this pulls me into is a very dark place..full of traumatic memories..pretty deep ..but it helps to find others who are fighting from a smiliar bad place or who have achieved a sense of self and can reach into the pit to help me out of the darkness, and at times going into it to find me..so again for thanks for being there..