***This post is a little long and rambly....thanks for reading (if you make it through).

Had a session today. Wasn't "good", wasn't "bad". It's just....I don't know. I HATE going and I don't know why. I can't tell if it's because my t and I don't "click" enough or if it's just the process of therapy in general. Or maybe it's just ME (which is also a definite possibility).

We talked about stuff......or *I* talked about stuff. My t makes me start, and I direct the entire session basically meaning, whatever I want to talk about is what we talk about. When I run out of words or topic, he will not ask me questions to get the wheels turning again. We basically just sit there. UGH. He's not the type of t who will give me feedback; he basically reiterates what I say (to show me he understands?) but otherwise I hear crickets a lot. Today he made a sarcastic joke about something I was talking about (that wasn't very serious) and this bother me; which is odd because I'm VERY sarcastic IRL, although I don't think he knows this.

I get so jealous sometimes reading here about how some ppl have close connections with their t's; they talk (like normal people do), the hug or hold hands sometimes. The only thing I can honestly take away from t at this point is that all I have to lean on in life is myself. How depressing is that?! Or maybe he's just waiting ever so patiently for me to just come out and ASK for what I want and/or need. I know I should just bite the bullet and do it (ask for what I want/need) but do you know how HARD that is to do? When you get continually blasted again and again and again throughout your life because your requests/needs/wants are neglected, not acknowledged, or argued with for whatever reason, well, you learn to just go away and see what will be offered to you (which in my case, was not much).

I know that my lack of assertiveness is where part of my self esteem problem stems from. But HOW do I unlearn that? T will not help me out with this. It's like, either I do it or I don't and it doesn't make a difference to him either way.

The whole thing is just stupid and I'm wondering what the point of this is. I walked in eager to talk about stuff and walk out feeling better but instead I feel empty and aggravated and heavy and weighed down. I don't know what to do with all this "stuff" I have to unload. Where does it go???

PLUS, he didn't give me my full 50 min. I was out the door with 7 min to go (again, is this a test to make me ASK him about it; or is he just a douche?).

If I could think of one word to describe therapy for me right now it would be: MINDF***. And I don't want to go back. I feel like if I never went back it wouldn't matter to him. I feel like all I have left is to just go away quietly and be done with it.