mykidsmeantheworld, you have a lot going on! Kudos to you for wanting to not have animosity between yourself and HB for the sake of your kids. That is absolutely the right thing to do!
Question: is HB's partner living with him?
If she is not living with him, then I do not think he should tell the kids at this time that he has a new girlfriend. I say this because I was divorced a couple of years ago and this was the advice given by my divorce coach and a child specialist who helped us with our divorce. What I would tell the kids, preferably together with HB in a family meeting, is that you and HB have decided to end the marriage--it is not just a temporary separation. Say it is hard for everyone, and that you and HB are going to do your best to still be the best parents you can, and that you both still love them very much.
As for HB's new girlfriend, he continues to see her, but the kids don't need to know at this early stage. Our coach and therapist recommended that a new partner not be introduced to children until the relationship was at least 6 months old. That ensures the kids are not introduced to a string of partners that the parents are dating casually. Even if the relationship seems serious, it can fall apart after a few months. So waiting until the pair have been together for 6 months ensures it is pretty stable. Your kids don't need more instability now, they have enough on their plate with the separation/divorce. So spare them the dating partners at this time. When your kids are staying with you, then HB can do all the dating he wants. Because of HB's drinking problem, I'm not sure he would even get joint custody with you, even if your relationship with him is amicable. I am usually a fan of joint custody but in your case, the alcohol changes things. So if the kids are mostly with you, HB should have no trouble having dates without the kids knowing for a few more months. And if his new relationship falls apart, the 6 month ticker starts again when he finds another girlfriend.
Someone mentioned withholding information from kids and how that might affect them negatively. I think it is fine to tell them that both parents are single again and may be dating. Perhaps your H can mention later he has been on some dates. But the kids do not need to know details about that, and not be introduced to the girlfriend unless the relationship endures (6 mos). I do not think kids need to know everything about the relationships and personal lives of their parents. I would focus on talking to the kids about the end of the marriage and what that means for their lives, not about new dating partners.
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Originally Posted by mykidsmeantheworld
We are trying to sort out finances as well.. if we sell the house we will both be left with $100,000 AUD debt EACH but I am happy to keep house, take on more debt, as eldest is finishing school, youngest is starting school and I'm starting new career and middle child has autism (she has lifelong friends across the road - more devastated at moving over dad moving out and her psych said it's imperative she stays in the home if at all possible) - I'm trying to keep everything else as normal as possible - it is the only home the kids have ever lived in. HB said we have to sell, and middle child will have to toughen up... I said we have no equity, if we sell, I will be in debt with no security, no job yet and no house for the kids...
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This is the sort of thing to work out in the divorce settlement with the help of your lawyer. If you don't sell the house, and you remain in it with your kids, HB can buy you out of his share of the house, so you won't be in such a hole with debt. Make sure you don't get bossed around by him in making these important financial decisions. You need to look out for yourself. Your lawyer can help advocate for you. Maybe you will decide to sell the house but let that be an informed decision rather than one you get pushed into when you aren't sure.