I finally got up the nerve to make the call. I have an intake appointment week after next for therapy. It's a big local agency that mostly just does therapy and not medication management, but hopefully that's an adequate starting place. It's been so enormously frustrating to try to find a service provider that can do what I need, is accepting patients, doesn't require a formal referral or existing dx, and is covered by insurance. Finding a pdoc that meets those requirements was basically impossible; according to someone at the university counseling center, this area has "issues" with supply and demand for mental health services.

I'm a little terrified of what will come next, but it will be a relief to have someone to talk to. There is just so much stuff swirling around in my head, making it impossible to think or function, and it keeps getting worse and worse. Even while I was waiting on hold for an appointment time, I thought about hanging up with that momentary delusional thought that "this will go away and everything will be OK." But as soon as the thought crossed my mind, I started tearing up because I know it's not going away, and that's why I was calling.

I don't know where I'm at with anything, except that it's not where I want to be. Everything is really unstable this month due to travel. I had a little hypomanic episode while traveling last week, and I have another round of travel next week (which will probably have a similar effect), so in between I just feel like I'm reeling, lost in a haze of trying to find some kind of equilibrium.

And this afternoon, I have a meeting with my supervisor, at which I have to say yet again that I've made no progress on much of anything. It makes me feel so rotten. I genuinely want to do my work, but sometimes I might as well be chasing my tail. I keep having the same problems, and no matter how hard I try, any strategy that seems to work is only a temporary solution. I just can't keep anything stable enough to really make any progress on the stuff that matters to me.

Sorry for the big emotional dump... Looks like my usual mid-October depressive episode may be kicking in.