I had an appointment with my addictions Dr. today. I also see her for counselling. I was honest with her and told her I was really struggling. I told her about my massive desires to drink over the long weekend and how I'd gotten through it by doubling my antabuse dose, but that lately I was feeling that things were just kind of pointless. Big mistake. I try as much as possible to be honest with my Dr's otherwise what's the point in seeing them right? So she asked if I wanted to hurt myself, and I said yes but hadn't - I have a long history of SI, and then she asked about SU. I told her yes I was suicidal. Now before anyone freaks out, I have absolutely no intention of killing myself, at least not today or tomorrow. But she asked if I had a plan - yes, and I told her what was scary to me, was not being suicidal, I'm pretty much always suicidal - have been since I was in grade 4, I just don't let it bother me. It's just now that I have a definite plan, the means to carry it out, and I'm seeing it as a realistic option, as opposed to just a feeling like I might want to kill myself sometime. Naturally this freaked her out. I don't blame her, she has liability issues around anyone who expresses suicidal intent, but we wound up getting into a big long discussion about safety and how I'd keep myself safe tonight. She wound up dragging in the nurse I see most often in groups, and talking about me with another pdoc (I could overhear the conversation) about whether she should put me on a form 1 - that's the first stage in ON, on getting someone admitted involuntarily to a psych hospital.

I have a complete terror of getting admitted on a form, as once you're in - it can be kind of hard to get out, and I really can't afford to be in a psych hospital right now, I need to be job hunting.

Anyway she made me sign a contract that if I did get to the point where I thought I might act on my urges - I'd go to CAMH, which is my psych hospital. And she's insisting I come in and talk with my nurse for a one-on-one next week since she can't see me again until the following week.

I find it ironic. My addictions Dr. is way more worried about my suicide risk than my pdoc is - he's way more worried about me relapsing.

Don't worry anyone. I'm going to my AA meeting tonight, which will be good for me, and I'll stay safe. I have another group to go to at Branson tomorrow.

I just freaking hate that once you're in the system as a psych patient, you're so much more at risk of being put on an involuntary hold.

--splitimage