trigger do to SI please don't read if in a bad place




been doing a lot of thinking about my T and stuff this last 2 weeks and how i miss her.i have a lot going on again and am worried about getting out of control again.i don't know if you guys remember how bad things got when my husband finely brought me to the clinic because he was so scared.anyway it wasn't good.and I'm worried this is coming around again

i tend to use SI as a way to cope with stress at times. i use to cut a lot.i haven't cut in a few years i did some when i first started seeing this T but quickly changed to a different method of SI that doesn't scar and leaves no evidence when healed.anyway,this summer i got into body piercing a socially acceptable form of SI.and easy to hide.but it has also seems to have awakened the memories of how this form of SI felt . i know i am getting more piercing because of the feelings of relief i am getting from it (sorry please don't think i am sick)it is just a big feeling of relief.one i remember well. winter is coming and i am already having thoughts of SI and how easy it is to hide during the winter and at the same time how easily i seem to be getting out of control.

a part of me so wants to share this feeling with my T and maybe i wont be so inclined to do it if someone else in real life knows about how i am feeling.the problem is this.she doesn't know that i have done any SI sense i have been seeing her.she knows i did this in the past and i have just left her to believe it is an old behavior.i want to tell her and work on not doing this any more but i am scared to death that she will be so angry or sickened by me,or that she wont want to work with me.i wont be able to handle her feelings about it.i don't want her to hate me or reject me.not now.

the other thoughts are my timing,am i again just using the SI as a way to avoid talking about feelings and experiences.and is this what she will think and just tell me to stop or she wont work with me.will she think i am doing it for attention.(If so i failed at this because i haven't told her in 3 years)will the way she thinks of me change .will our therapy change forever.

can people tell me what there T's boundaries are around SI and how have they reacted when they get this information.I'm not talking about SU just SI.how did you tell your T

i have been reading so much on here about how all you brave people are dealing and really am starting to think that maybe it is time for me to start dealing with some of this stuff but would be totally devastated if my T dumped me over it.maybe i shouldn't.