Despicable me,

I still feel like you deserve and need a break from the anguish all of this is causing you until you can catch your breath. You need to allow yourself not to panic about this... just take one step at a time and proceed from there. I know, this is easier said than done, but don't you think it would be better for you and your spouse to wait and see what the results of the HIV test are instead of planning for and even expecting the worst case scenario right out of the gate?

Short of starting a round of AZT as a preventative measure -- I am not sure if you have discussed this option w/ your doctor or if it's too late -- there is not much you can do right now but wait it out and try to stay as positive and hopeful as possible..

The symptoms of initial (primary) HIV infection you believe you are experiencing might be due to the flu (as other posters have pointed out), another STI, or are even psychosomatic in nature. You are clearly very stressed out about this entire situation, as you have a right to be. Stress alone can cause a variety of symptoms and mimic many things.

And let's allow for a moment that you did contract HIV (again, I believe this is very unlikely but let's indulge that thought for a moment)....medical advances are being made w/ regard to this virus all of the time. I just read of a breakthrough a couple of weeks ago involving an HIV virus protein mystery unlocked by gamers that had stumped researchers for years. Furthermore, anti-retroviral therapy has resulted in undetectable viral loads in people with HIV, and researchers have recently found a novel way to administer newer and even more advanced treatment options, thus far only available to a small subset of infected people, to a larger population of infected individuals, offering still more hope. Certainly, one can make a strong case that learning to live with what is becoming more and more of a manageable disease all the time is a better option than taking your own life.

Also, plz keep in mind that if you are dx'ed with bipolar disorder, you will have an understanding as to why you did what you did. This doesn't excuse your behavior going forward, because the burden is now on you to get your bipolar symptoms in check once you are diagnosed, but if you did not know you had bipolar disorder at the time the incident occurred, and since the disorder is largely genetic and not something you asked for or brought on willingly, and the very act of hiring the prostitute is one of the more well-known symptoms of the disorder (hypersexuality and risk-taking), all of these taken together would appear to exonerate you from having to shoulder the guilt of this. The goal now is to take the proper steps to get it under control and treated moving forward.

I realize talk is cheap and again, you do have every right to feel totally miserable about this... it is to be expected. But you also now have an obligation to begin the process of healing, and that involves hanging in there as best as you can and focusing on one thing at a time while trying to minimize the guilt and anguish you are feeling. I hope this helps...and definitely share all of your thoughts and concerns about this with your doctors so they can offer you the best treatment possible. They definitely need to know how distressed you are. And again, I'm not sure about the treatment window, esp. since you believe you are already experiencing symptoms, but if your primary care doctor or an infectious disease specialist believes it might still help, you should ask about preventative anti-retroviral treatment.

Ryan