I’ve been wondering lately about the choices I’ve made – that we’ve all made in life. About priorities. My health, my family’s well-being, doing something meaningful in this world. I have done a lot of nothing but being broken and doing pretty much nothing but feeling horrible in this life. Simple tasks in life can effect me to such a horrible extent that I am naturally very non-functional. But I knew I had to make choices, and what seemed a good idea turned out to be one of the most difficult programs I could have chosen. My anxiety, which is often an issue but not my biggest one, now gets no lower than a 4 or 5 and I’m pre-hypertensive. I’m currently running on pure determination. A week ago I was to the point where I was shaking, not sleeping because I was past the point of exhaustion, vomiting, and losing pieces of myself. I hadn’t eaten a real meal in weeks and could feel my body screaming at me for it. The thing is, this program only gets more and more difficult. Each week is literally harder than the previous, and each semester five to ten times more difficult than the one before. I’m still feeling bad, but starting to come back to myself.

And I’m alive. I’m still going – in fact, I’m considered to be doing well. The work is paying off. When I graduate, I will have options. My family, which is struggling, will not have to support me. I’ll be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day. I still don’t know how often I’ll be able to work full time, but damn, I’m accomplishing something.

To those who have chosen a similar path – was it worth it? Same question to those who haven’t. I considered going on disability – still might have to at some point. But I want to be self-sufficient, even if I don’t live the most comfortable (or longest) of lives. I want my dignity. I don’t want my lover to be stuck trying to support me. Or other taxpayers who work long hours and are struggling, but don’t get the luxury of such support.

I know I’m best off when I eat right, sleep right, exercise appropriately, don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, and live on an extremely steady routine without stress. I did all this for awhile, but the demands of the program have changed things. I can’t afford – primarily with time – to do the first, second, third, fourth or last of these. I could live in a small cottage the rest of my days surrounded by nothing but tranquility. But I want to see the world. Even if I wake up screaming and have to fend off hallucinations each time I sleep in a new location, isn’t it worth it? To visit amazing places and do amazing things? Does the struggle make the rewards far greater? What does accomplishment mean if it’s easy?

Am I wrong? I’m an extremely stubborn person. I’ve quite literally gone miles down the wrong path before I admitted to myself I needed to turn around and go all the way back. Ended up vomiting from dehydration and almost passed out once while doing it, and almost froze to death another time. So tell me honestly.

Where do you prioritize these issues in your life? What are you willing to struggle for and to what degree? To what degree is it foolish? At the end of the day, where do you hope to be?

(I really do want to hear about your opinions and the experiences of others who have chosen one of either paths. I hadn’t intended for this to be so much about me. But, I suppose you all get where I’m coming from now when I question the various paths we have before us.)