Hi Seeker

I understand everything you go through - EVERYTHING.
The lack of help, the need to run....the anxiety and depression....
I have complex PTSD and personality disorder along with it...I know how everything feels and how everything is hard.

You have the strength and intelligence to take care and to work on yourself. I can really relate to you in the attempts o get better on your own...i have tried too. It does help a lot to know you were just triggered....
I am trying to be strong and make my fake smiles seem real just like you do...Sometimes, though, i give up on any fake behavior. It can be a load of energy.

I can tell you that last year i went to a therapist...and went back to him this year....He teaches me a way to deal with the memories - and i no more feel our of control with them ...i am not telling you a success happy end story...I still struggle a lot...struggle seems to be something that doesn`t end in life - but rather changes expremes - sometimes we have a lot of it and sometimes very little.

and about - how to get the right diagnosis:
Here it goes ( i became a specialist on how to get things from unwilling people, without those people knowing it!)

A. read all you can about PTSD.
B. Read all you can about Bipolar.
C. When you come to a treatment provider - don`t be extremely open to
them, don`t describe EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING - and
don`t get into your emotions - in short do not TRUST them!
D. In the conversation be short and direct, answer only to the point. In
your answers describe ONLY the effects of the trauma in your life. If
they ask you how you react in certain situations - recall the situations
that are hard to deal with BECAUSE of the trauma! Whatever they ask
you describe the flash backs, the anxiety and only what is known as
PTSD symptoms.

Most likely that if they know anything and are worth talking with at all - they will give you diagnosis and a therapist who specializes in trauma.

I have done similar things and the worked wonders for me. When you have no one else to trust you rely on yourself and TAKE WHAT YOU DESERVE without asking...just DO it!

Those memories got me really stuck in life...Now i am rebuilding it....
I think you can do the same.