Congratulations on the shower! My personal hygiene is one of the 1st things to go when I'm beginning to descend into depression. It should really be a "warning flag"! Until recently I never really confronted how much time I've spent in depression with BP. I think when the "normies" attempt to understand it the first thing they think of is mania. About 5 weeks ago when I was "forced" to interact with neighbors in the community ( a potluck dinner I had comitted to several months prior to the onset of my most recent depression) I managed to hold it together for a couple of hours but I was paranoid, stressed out and exhausted afterwards. Have you spoken to P-doc about adjusting your meds? I am finally coming out of it (it stared in March!) and I am thankful for that. Still not completely normal, but about 75%. Try to forgive yourself. You're not bad. The depression is bad and it's not your fault. The people I know with BP (myself included) can't handle stress well and it sounds like you've had more than your share. Be gentle to yourself. Take it slow...