Hello totallymental, welcome to PC.

As St406 mentioned, I think you should probably hold off on that marriage. You don't seem to be ready for it at all, and I think it's important that you let your girlfriend know about this.

I would recommend seeing a therapist so you two could figure out exactly why you feel and act the way you do, and examine how to deal with these issues, as well as your past. It won't be easy, but I think it's necessary for you to move on and enjoy life.

I hope you find this site to be a supportive environment. Don't worry about posting too much, by the way - we are here to listen and provide support/input. Post whenever you feel the need!