I saw T today, FINALLY, after 9 days.

It really struck me that my therapy is SO different now than it used to be.

I used to *need* to go twice a week. For over three years. I couldn't hold onto the connection, and each time I saw T, it was like I had to build the trust all over again. And then it would last for a while and we'd have a rupture and be back to square one (or almost square one). Now I see him once a week for 90 minutes, and when I walk in, the connection and trust are THERE. There's no "getting reacquainted" time. It's just me, and T, and I know him and I trust him and it's safe and we can work.

I used to try SO HARD to not dip into the saddest/hardest/scariest feelings...and if I did, I couldn't find my way back out. It would take the entire session, literally, for T to help me get grounded again, and even when I left, the feeling of being lost in all of it would continue, sometimes for days. Today when I saw T, we talked a lot about something that is going on in my current life that is causing a lot of stress (a conflict with a friend) and at one point, my history came up, and the feelings came with it. I felt lost, and scared, and like I wasn't in the room. T knew and I told him I wanted to do something different and we worked together to get me grounded. But a minute or two later, I still didn't feel all there, and I told him, and we tried some other things...and then I was okay, and the session continued. I dipped into what I could and I FOUND MY WAY BACK OUT. And I was okay. And I AM okay. That's how it's been lately. Going in and out of the hard stuff and being able to leave. it. behind. for. now. and be back in my life.

Feelings used to overwhelm me...and they still do sometimes...but T has taught me that they are safe, and I can be okay. I can ask for help, I can write, I can breathe, I can go outside, I can wait for the feeling to pass. It's hard, but I don't have to use the bad coping skills anymore.

I'm coming up on my four year anniversary. Today I wondered out loud, "what have I been DOING for 4 years?!" because there are still these sad, hard things that we're just starting to touch on, even after all of this time together. But I realized, it's just WORKING. The process is working. I don't know how, or why, but it is.

Maybe there will still be impossibly hard sessions, and ruptures, and feelings that are too much...or maybe NOT. But at least I know now that I *can* get to here. Not where everything is all happy and sunny all the time, because that wouldn't be real life. But where I can be more okay than not okay. This place exists.

For ALL of us.