There's something that's been really bothering me lately.

People I feel positive regard for, who have qualities I admire - even if they don't see it themselves, and perhaps especially when they don't see it themselves - I tend to put them up on a bit of a pedestal. Conversely, I'm in a "ditch" below the "pedestal". I really challenged myself on this - which level is "healthy"? I feel very strongly that the pedestal level is just natural positive regard, and the ditch feeling represents low self-worth. I feel as if I just want to climb the pedestal myself, and then all will be well, but I fear I can't for some reason. It feels as if I am just trying to climb some invisible but compelling personal social hierarchy, and it feels both deeply natural and highly motivating to want to climb it.

People who know about this seem threatened by my positive regard for them (which I find very confusing). "Rational thinking", so much pushed these days, would likely say that they and I are simply different, but equal. I have tried thinking in this way, "leveling the field" as it were, only to find both my levels of empathy and my interest in others feels as if it is waning when I take this "rational" approach, and it really feels intensely "wrong and unnatural" somehow. Even threatening. All my "inner alarm bells" go off. It feels as if, far from genuinely leveling the playing field, I am simply dragging people I have high regard for down to my own level - and it is not a level I would place someone I care about on. Me successfully "climbing the pedestal" instead just feels right.

What's going on here? Do I really, genuinely just have extremely low self esteem??? I notice that if I really open myself up to someone I care about and they accept me, I can tend to get rather teary eyed all of a sudden. Then I get that "I am on the pedestal" feeling, and all feels well.

I just want to understand the emotions, they are some of the most powerful I have ever experienced. Another thing - why am I so compelled to practice these mental exercises of "leveling the playing field" when they make me feel so horrible? Just climb the freaking pedestal, I have a metaphor that makes sense to me. Do I think I don't deserve that? That I can't accomplish that? That the "experts" perspectives are so much better than my own, even though these are people who know nothing about me as an individual? At times, there's something a bit masochistic about my self-doubts I just don't get.

I don't want to reveal this now, but I know I'm just holding back, so ... *click*