Ygrec23 - Let me start by saying that you have been very kind to me on the boards and I appreciate that, I am assuming you have been helpful to many on here, hence the amount of rave reviews regarding your character. I am saddened by your current situation and applaud your bravery for sharing. I used to drink to excess and verbally abuse my partner , although I am not proud of that fact. I equate it to "kicking the dog" , I would lash out when I was drunk and overcome wih my inner demons. I would lash out at her because she was my loyal companion and I knew she would always forgive me . Much like a person who has a bad day, comes home and kicks the dog out of that anger. The dog didn't do anything but the dog was "there" and is "safe" because a dog always forgives... Mans best friend. So maybe you should try not forgiving so easily. When my partner stop forgiving me , I finally had consequences for my actions and the dynamic changed. Regarding your inability to provide finacially like you once did, that is something that is out of your control, you didn't intentionally orchestrate this. It should also not be used to explain away this behavior or make it seem more acceptable to you. No one is perfect we have all made mistakes. I believe the description of your character by fellow PC members is exactly how we see you and you should own that, because your interaction with people on the forum has led to our perception. Also, you mention making peace with dying. That seems like a sad thing to spend what you see as a limited amount of life remaining making peace with something that you can't change. Somebdy said...It's not the years in your life that matter but the life in the years. I too spend alot of time in my head , safe there... I joke about being my own best friend. But I've decided , recently, I'm going to try to get out of my head and just experience thing instead of analyzing them. I'll let you know how that goes. I wish you could treat yourself with the same insight and kindness you treat us. Wishing you well. Lola