I've been prone to depression since I was a teenager although it probably started before that, just not as markedly. I'm now in my mid thirties and my life situation is much harder than it was then (which is saying a lot). Despite this I've done extensive work on myself, have strong spiritual beliefs, and try to keep a optimistic outlook. I have seen a good therapist for some time.

The problem is, I am still prone to sadness and longing. I am stuck at home a lot due to ill health which doesn't help, but things are easier than they have been for a while. I try to do things I like, including distance study. Some days I feel okay, some even good. But I always fall back into these depressive moods and they can last some time. I had a major one which lasted 2 years, now they tend to be shorter, which I guess is good.

I'm just sick of my life in many ways. I'm scared of the responsibility (I'm a mum) and also the loneliness. I believe it has meaning, but I am scared to find it. I'm scared of moving on. I didn't have a good childhood, I was lonely then too, but am scared of letting go of it.

I want things to be different, but am scared. Sometimes good feelings are scary because they could change in an instant. It's not safe to be happy.

I don't want to feel like this all my life. I don't know how to get past it though.