Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope-Full
I had a very sad realization this afternoon that I don't know what love feels like. I was thinking today how much I would love to just curl up on the couch and watch a movie with... anyone who loves me.... and cares... but I could come up with no one. Not one single person.
The thing is, it goes both ways. I don't think that there is anyone that I truly love, either. Not my parents, nor my siblings, nor any relatives, nor, really, any close friends. I have a few good friends, but I don't know if I love them or just really care about them. And I wouldn't know if they loved me, either.
How will I know how to love myself if I have no one to love, and if no one loves me? My parents "love" is suffocating and conditional, and not at all what I imagine it should be like. The closest thing I think I've ever gotten to feeling "love" is what I feel with my T - but I know that isn't love. If T ever told me she loved me, I wouldn't believe her. I know she cares about me, but it isn't love.
What does love feel like? How will I know if someone loves me? If I love them?
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I could have written this. Except for 'loving' T -- don't get me wrong, I like her a lot, and look up to her/admire her like a sort of mentor, I guess. And I do feel she understands me better than anyone else does (I know that's her job, but I've had Ts that didn't 'get' me at all) -- but no, it's not love. It just is what it is.
I care about people, sure. (I'm not cold hearted!) And some people do care about me - even though I sometimes think they don't! I assume my parents 'love' me, and I 'love' them - but like you, my relationship with both parents isn't what I imagine it should be like. It feels distant, like a default setting.
So no, I don't think I know what
love feels like either. (Unless you count how I feel about my animals! And I do think they love me for me, and not just for the food I put in front of their faces...
How bad is it that I'd rather hug my cat than any human being I know?)