Dear T,

It's been 3 days and 7 hours since I saw you last. I'm feeling better today! Thursday and Friday were terrible, did you know that? I could barely get out of bed those two days. I could barely function and take care of my kids and be out in the world. That's how it always is the day or two after our sessions. I friggin' hate it. I hate that I feel so heavy after I leave, and knowing that I'm going to be carrying it around with me for the next two days and not being able to do anything to stop it is enough to bring me to my knees. Even my meds are hardly enough to sustain me during those times.

But today I feel.....normal again. The memory of Wednesdays session is slowly fading and being filed away with all of the other sessions we've had together. The ambiguity and apprehension that I feel when I'm there is now disappearing and being replaced with a small feeling of peace. I know I'm still hiding behind a wall, and my trust for you is not there 100% yet, but it's never far from my mind and I'm continually working on it, I promise. The thing that's freaking me out is that I'm now, as predicted, looking forward to my next session. Why am I like this? It drives me crazy! I'm like a moth to a flame the way I am. And I can't stop. I want to stop being this way. PLEASE, tell me how to not be this way anymore. I'm not in love with you, at least you I don't think I am. Or maybe I am but it's a healthy version of love that I've never had before? I don't know.....but I'm strangely drawn to you because you represent something to me. Stability? Safety?

What I really want, MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD is for you to hug me. To hold me. To show me you care. Why do I want this? Things are perfect just the way they are; I get the absolute best part of who you are one hour every week; and I know that if I get a hug from you, that I'm going to want more; so I know it's probably.......DEFINITELY......the best thing that we never even shake hands. It's like, I'm keenly aware that the one thing that I'm desperate for is the one thing that will ultimately devastate me because I know it will never, ever be enough.