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Dear T—
Here’s the thing…maybe it was an unfair test, but you nonetheless failed. I mean, don’t get me wrong…I’m really grateful to you for all you’ve done lately. I appreciate the extra sessions and your patience and kindness while I’ve exploded or, sometimes, imploded. And I’m not at all trying to say that the rest of what’s gone on hasn’t been 100% useful, because I know it has, even when I can’t see it. Heck, maybe even the failure has been uselful. Still…
You said that you think the whole hug, for me, is about trying to “fix” the past, as though hugging you would make the past 38 years and my mom’s neglect and abuse disappear. And I’ll grant you, there are plenty of times that that’s what that desire is about, even when I don’t know it. On some level, that’s probably the case at this moment also. But…
I think we both see that the past few weeks have been really good in the sense that I’m moving closer to being willing to talk about the things I’ve been avoiding for the last 2.5 years, namely all that mother stuff. Because of that, these last few weeks have also been especially difficulty. And what I really feel like I was looking for in that hug was reassurance that you were up to the challenge—that you’ll be able to stick by me and help me, even if I make mistakes (like the one I admitted to this week) or if I get really sad, or even if I cry in that deep, ugly way. I wanted to know that you won’t get mad or repulsed or anything else that’d make you leave in one way or another.
So when you gave me that non-hug hug, it felt like confirmation that you didn’t really want to hug me, that you do find me repulsive or, at the very least, not someone you can really connect with. I feel humiliated for asking, and evil for wanting you to do something you obviously didn’t want to do.
And I feel angry that you don’t seem to want to consider whether or not the hug did actually suck. You want to make it about my feelings about it not being the magic pill, and not at all about how you didn’t really hug so much. (It felt like what I imagine a homophobic guy would do if her were forced to hug a gay guy! I’ll bet you didn’t even notice that your ottoman was between the two of us when we “hugged.”)
I know things will get better, but right now I hate this.
--2or3
PS: So then when I had trouble talking at the beginning of my last session, you implied that I was acting like a surly teenager because I was withdrawn and giving 1-word answers. You missed the boat again, I think. Looking at my own behavior afterwards, I felt more like a scared 4 year old who couldn’t talk to you or look at you because I was afraid you’d hurt me. Can you maybe consider that reading instead?
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