My Deposition that was supposed to take place tomarrow has now been rescheduled until the 24th. I am trying to think about having more time and yet I am also just wishing it would just be done.

I have been talking alot about structure the last couple of days. And I think about my life and how someone's negligence just took away my whole structure that took me such a long time to build. Since that time my structure has been nothing but having to remember what took away my structure and it has been all about getting from one day to the next constantly being reminded about all the cost of that damaged structure. And I have this PTSD that has a structure to it that I have been doing nothing but trying to overcome and understand. And as I battle this strange thing PTSD I can't believe that it exists and that I have it and how much it creates such a confused lost feeling in me.

Its a beautiful day where I am and I have to drive a lot today to do an event. But all I can think about is that a whisper is coming of winter and I haven't filled the loft with hay and these bills from the damage are going to keep coming and there is no money saved for this winter. I have been trying to pretend that whisper isn't there and that soon this whole nightmare will end and I wont be asked to remember it anymore.
If only I could get to that point in my life, if only. Everyone tells me to hang in there, and I have been doing that for so long that it is getting harder.

I am trying, I really am.

Open Eyes