wow, christine, a great thread! i also liked pachy response. great articles to read re this.
ok here goes-forgiveness, sometimes at first when i've been harmed i find forgiveness begins with acknowledging that i am hurt by the transgressor. this is more strongly felt with family members. i then want to try to get to forgiveness. i remind myself none of us is perfect and we all make mistakes or don't always realize the hurt we/any of us have caused. i'm in a 12 step program. it's suggested when i am truly harmed by another to pray for them for they are truly troubled. i've used this technique and it does work for me to begin exercising forgiveness. i find it gives me more serenity in my life and I am the one who benefits by praying for the other person (!!) even tho i am sincere praying for their troubled spirit. i don't really know why this works but it does. this rids me of resentment which to me is hanging onto not forgiving. i also meditate by feeling the pain, then letting go of the pain and state affirmations that i deserve to love myself, to embrace my loving spirit, to acknowledge that i am worthy and of value to self and others.
forgeting-i don't really forget if i've been harmed but i do give the other person a shot at not being that way again. i may even approach them and tell them i felt hurt when ....to me. this often clears the air if they respond in a positive way. instant forgiveness when this occurs.
BUT if the offense is repeated again and again by a person and the harm is serious towards my well-being i either distance myself to protect me or i move on. however i don't forget at this point cause i need to remember that person is not safe for me to be around.
simply put it is easier for me to forgive than forget. by forgiving i am not giving that person rent space in my head. most times i have the desire to forgive others. (Golden Rule).
by not forgetting if the offense is repeated more than once, i am protecting myself knowing what i know.
in the forgiving situations i can proceed a relationship with that person if that is what i choose. i do need to clear the air with them tho. not pretending nothing took place.
both forgiving and forgetting takes practice for me. but when i feel upset i need to not harbor bad feelings.