Thanks for all the replies everyone, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

@Ygrec23 - as a child, and even now, my parents DO love me. But it's a toxic love, and not an unconditional one. I get that what you put out is what you get... and I am surrounded by people at work that are always thanking me and appreciating what I do and complimenting me, but I block that stuff and don't let it in. If love is something that just is, well, I don't know what it is.

@StrawberryFieldsss - I totally hear you - I think that even if people do love me, I do exactly as you said - discount it or don't let it in.

@just_some_girl - I actually loved my two horses. Loved to the point where it was excruciating when I had to say goodbye, and swore I'd never own another animal again. The loss was just too painful. Then again, I rarely let emotions land, and when they do, I feel way too much - I guess I am an extremist in that sense - all or nothing. Numb or overwhelmed and paralyzed by emotions.

@lastyearisblank - Thanks... I *think* that I may be lovable, I just don't know who would want to love me. I know I have good qualities that people admire and comment on, but is that enough to be loved? And the people complimenting and commenting are not people that should love me , so that twists things even more in my brain. I think you nailed it with the vulnerability. The only person I can let myself be vulnerable with is my T, and that's because of the boundaries in place. That isn't love. I don't know. It's all very complicated, and I don't think it should be? I have few friends, but those few do seem to kinda have my back, and that's a mutual thing, so maybe there is hope there? And yes, I do want to try to bring this up with my T, should be interesting!

@elliemay - I wish! My condo isn't conducive to pets, nor is my job as I am gone too often. Plus, I don't know if I could go through the heartache of losing a pet again. It's happened three times - twice with horses and once with my cat. It is an interesting idea, though, to look for the love around you... thanks for that food for thought!

@Chiya - Thanks for the words and hugs!

@treehouse - it's interesting that you landed on your third grade teacher. That's what grade I teach, and I am still in contact with my third grade teacher. She is something special, but I don't know that she loves/loved me... But I think that's my biggest problem with all of this - I don't know that I'd know what love is/feels like if it walked up and pinched my cheek! Like you, the words "I Love You" have very little meaning because they were spoken with no meaning my entire life. Empty words.

How did you crack through that shell? How did you start to let love in? How did you know it was actually love? I get the idea of giving love via things you love (baked bread, etc) and I hope that I'm doing that through doing what I love - teaching, but it's just so confusing. I do love my T, she is incredible, but I know it's not mutual, and I'm ok with that. I've opened up to a few people in my life, and tried to let them in, but... even there it's not worked well. It seems that once I let people in, in order to keep them I let them walk all over me. Hmmm.... more food for therapy talk.

Thank you too, for your unwavering faith that I deserve love... Maybe if I hear it a lot, I'll start to believe it.

@earthmamma - that's my ultimate goal, I believe - to love myself and have that be the most satisfying love ever. Any love from others would just be icing on the cake.

@ Dreamy - I think that's a big part of the reason I am still single - because I haven't learned to have a loving relationship with myself, so I know I won't be able to have a healthy loving relationship with others.