Thanks TheByzantine and madisgram
So last night i asked what does he mean by "live life". He said he was meaning not all things are bad. I went on to tell him i thought he menu live in moments, he said not quiet exactly but that not all things are bad. He did ask if i was going to see therapist again (she is on vaca so i haven't went in about two weeks) i let him know yes. He and i talked more on that i reminded him about last july and i was bad and he agreed. I also told him i need to work on me cuz i don't see how "taking a break now" will help in the long run that i need to find something stable for me. He told me never mind on break cuz he understands that. I also told him this last week or two with stuff i have been feelin more chaotic in my head and haven't read or done my dbt book which is bad. He told me to continue it and if i needed help to ask and he'd try even said he could get his own copy and try it out along with me (i don't understand things all the time). I think part of what TheByzantine mentioned applies. My boyfriend already know is very affected by me. I have continued to apologize for me and the stress i put on him for almost three years now. He confirmed he doesn't like to see me hurt and angry, i am hoping with therapy some of that will past (the book was askin about child hood when i left it which i did get upset) but i know part of it will help & hope it will help let me settle some demons in the past behind. I did talk about if by end of year i maybe seein another pdoc to ask about meds & why the choice of drugs suggested. My boyfriend said ok. I think he is a bit tired but i also think he loves me enough not to give up on me. i'll try to not focus so much time and live as he mentioned but still work on me i think i can do that cuz doesn't that go hand in hand? thanks all again. I'm sorry i get Confuzzled at times lol