Thank you all so much for caring.

Terry- yes I am at home a lot. I re-arrange when health allows, and enjoy doing it. I totally get your way of thinking - yes life is short. I know that, yet I can't always embrace it. Maybe like you said it's about looking at the negative thinking and examining it closely. I understand mindfulness and can use it, but this again seems to get lost somehow. My son has learning difficulties and will always be dependent on me/adults, so that is also way I feel the responsibility. Having a lonely childhood is hard anyhow because there is no secure or connected foundation to look back on. Thank you for your thoughts.

Missmia - yes I understand your thoughts about therapy. I've been fortunate to see a T who is very focussed on the present, so we don't dwell on the past anymore than is necessary to explore old patterns that are causing problems in the present. Most of the work is focussed on the here and now, and looking at the futute. I have a lot of attachment issues which are cropping up, and it is these which I think are causing the most issues at the moment. I take John's Wort but can't take any perscribed anti-ds as they all made my physical problems worse.

Alwaysrejoyce - I'm sorry to hear about your meltdown. Hugs to you! I hope you find a way through it. I'm glad you have a good pdoc. Thank you for your empathy.

St406 - Thank you too. Yes I do see a therapist who is absolutely great. I think I am stuck in the past in terms of attachment, as I still crave the mother I never had I know from a spiritual viewpoint that I need to let go and embrace the now/present moment as this can help me reframe the past, but it seems difficult to do at the moment. I appreciate your thoughts though, thanks. I hope I will get there.